What Comes Back To You

This is part of the old aqueduct at Aqueduct Park. It's a little spot, near the canal, where the an aqueduct used to carry the canal over Rae's Creek. Rae's Creek used to run through these channels. There are beautiful rapids here, as well, but this is enough of that, for today. For now, the water has run dry.

I've been thinking about the ripple effect a lot, lately. And what comes back to you. Of course, if you keep on doing what you've always done, you will continue to get what you always got. But sometimes we don't know how to change what we've always done, to make the outcome different. Sometimes we feel powerless to effect change in our lives. Sometimes we don't even understand what it is that needs to be changed.

I do know that, as I go along, I let fall away that which does not assist in adding a positive experience to my energy field. Letting go is not always easy, either, for we are sometimes afraid to let go. Sometimes our expectation falls short of our reality, or ability to get what we want or need. That is usually when disappointment comes calling.

I have found that I sometimes make the wrong adjustment, in response to that disappointment. When the going gets tough, I sometimes give it all up, because it just gets too hard to get it right.

I've not written much here, lately, because it became way too apparent that my writings were becoming more and more depressing... and no one was coming around anymore. When people stop coming around, or stop responding, you know you are alienating people.

I've become more involved with Facebook. There, my interactions are with people whom I know in my real-time life. There, I am not so personal, up close, and revealing. In some ways, this has been helpful. Not talking about those things that get me down. On the other hand, I sometimes miss the honesty. Also, I want to add, I don't take my interactions with people, online, lightly. I actually see the value of these path crossings, and see the folks who have walked these pages as real people, real friends, because my heart has been touched, by them, many times. I'm not sure if that is a healthy reality, after all... and that is, perhaps, why I've been spending more time with real life friends. I have to say, I feel guilty saying "real life"... as if the folks here are not real. It feels like an insult... because I do value the friendships... and they are real, to me. Thing is, if it's not real, then why do people even make postings online, for others to read? One can write, privately, anytime they like. We want feedback, I believe, or else we wouldn't do so.

I didn't finish a lot of the stories that I started, here. In some ways, it feels as if this era of my life is coming to a close. Just as the microsoft groups closed down, ending an era of my life, there, as well. I saved what I could and accepted my fate, there.

I'm hanging in limbo, here. Wanting to express more, but feeling that I cannot. I think I've reached a point where I feel as though I'm traveling against the wind... and a very strong one, at that. As though things are a losing battle, and there's no point in anything.

Regarding my previous posting, my workplace has been upset because I started drawing unemployment benefits while there is no water in our canal. I never intended to hurt them, merely to keep my own head above water. My original claim was towards federal emergency unemployment benefits, which turned into benefits from my work place. I didn't even know if I qualified for either, but when the money arrived I assumed that all was right and lawful. Their original premis for challenging my right to draw benefits was based on incorrect information, for which they backed down, but keeping their appeal, all the same, under a different premis. In the meantime, I continue to draw, because I have no choice, but if I lose the appeal, which they initiated, I have to repay the benefits. Seems absurd. I draw because I have no other alternative, to keep me afloat, yet if I somehow lose, because of my work place's appeal, then I am supposed to find the funds to pay them back. It's like a swirling mass of confusion. They don't want to set a precedent, and I am left dangling... and disappointment, for me, coming from several different directions.

In the mean time, I have a new job interview set up next week. One which I do not look forward to, because I will have to dress up like a professional business personal. I am soooo not that, but will do what I must do, because it lands in my lap. It's part time, but at least there would be benefits, if I could land it. And who knows where I land, from there... seems only the wind knows.