Ghost Dance, Dreams, Correcting The Wrongs, Change & Perception

I woke up in a very melancholy mood this morning. My spirit keeps speaking to me, but I never pay attention. I usually find a way to divert my attention to some place else, whatever it takes to diguise the emptiness that I feel inside.

If I am stuck at the house and can't seem to find my way out the door, I usually end up in blogger land, as sad as that may seem. I go looking around for something to read... anything to take the focus off of myself and my petty little life's problems, if they are problems that I don't feel comfortable posting about on my own blog. I'm not so sure that is always a good thing, diverting my attention, for it does seem that it just glosses over the issue, at hand, instead of my taking action to make my life better. But, that is what we sometimes do, while our thoughts are incubating. Sometimes making life better means a major change... and sometimes that seems too hard to do. There is always the fear factor... and the possible regret for possibly jumping too soon. I am famous for that. I'm also famous for not jumping soon enough. My timing seems to be off, often, out of confusion. Then, other times, we know. We just know what is the right thing to do, and we are too chicken shit to do it.

I feel that my life is serving no purpose, at all. And I haven't felt close to anyone in a very long time. And I miss that.

The first place I landed, this morning, was Maithri's blog, The Soaring Impulse. Right away, I begin to cry, when I watched the video of the little children. Sorrow for their lives... sorrow for my own... sorrow, in general... and recognizing the emptiness... the helplessness. I felt guilt for experiencing pain for my own simple problems... on the other hand, I know that we often do not awaken to the wholeness within us, that might serve others, compassionately, until we have made our ownselves whole. On the other hand, it's funny how, sometimes, just doing something for someone else can make us feel instantly whole. We have served a purpose. We have a reason to be alive. It seems that living for oneself is simply not enough. As if we are continually searching for our life's expression, through something else that is grander than ourselves.

I've experienced a feeling of suffocation, from life's joyful experience... a feeling of invisibility, as if I do not exist. And disdain, for my own weaknesses, that I would allow myself to continually feel this way, over and over again. And bitterness, against those who continuallly judge me, and access my worthiness, with regards to the weaknesses that I have experienced in my life. What right is it of anybody to judge me? And what do I care, if they do? And, am I judging my ownself by my own knowledge of my own past experiences, more than anyone? Why do I struggle so hard for approval? Does this mean that I have not yet found approval for my ownself? No wonder I feel as though my life is such a waste. What to do... ?

After reading Maitrhi's blog, this morning, and crying a few good tears, then running over to Oceanshaman's blog, and listening to a heart felt music video (I do love music!) I found myself at U-Tube, just sitting there... trying to decide what sort of music that I wanted to search for today. The first thing that came to mind was my Heart's music. I love the sound of Robbie Robertson & The Red Road Ensemble. I found it at a time in my life when I was deeply involved in my spirituality. And I always find it uplifting, in some sort of way. As if it is a reconnect to something deep inside of me. Music is that way, in general, in my life, anyways.

There are so many injustices in this world. And so little that we do about them. More than ever, with the growing discontent in my own life, I've thought about trying to do something. Every step first begins with a thought, afterall. I've thought about going out there and gathering those stories of the homeless, and trying to do that book. Of taking any money that I might earn, from any such book, and turning it over for the cause of the homeless. And the more that I hear my friend talk about all the scum of the earth, who deserve nothing, the more that I want to accomplish this task. And then I wonder if that is why I am here... in this place... so that, out of spite, I may mightily accomplish something. But I know that is not the reason to do anything... all things should be done out of love and with a sense of confidence that it might be accomplished. Then again, anger... getting mad about something... is a wonderful propulsion energy... that sometimes we need, in order to take one step forward. It is hard for me to visualize going "out there"... untrained in any sort of way for information gathering, or interviewing people... but, to have the nerve to acually think that I can do it, and then go and do it. I'm a chicken shit, remember? I have to be pushed to do anything... except for those times that I just jump, with no landing place in sight, full of fear and yet fearless at the same time. Am I being pushed? Or am I about to bound fearlessly, over the cliff?

I've done it before, this leaping thing. I even had a dream once, that was totally awesome. The dream reassured me that I was on the right Path... and that all I had to do was change my perception... CHANGE MY PERCEPTION... and leap with unfailing Faith... and I would be carried right over to a safe landing... by the Winds that carry us and scatter us, like Fertile Seed into the Soil, waiting to be Born Again, into some significant new Flower, with the sort of Enticing Nectar that attracts only positive things... POSITIVE CHANGE. CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION.

In my dream I was standing at the precipice of a great divide. I needed to cross over. I was afraid. I might fall. I might die. I looked down and saw a set of steps, that followed down into the bottom of the divide. I began to step down them, slwoly, but they begin to crumble, and fall in on themselves, the faster that I descended. I knew, instinctively, that the steps had been built by those who had passed before me, the foundation that I had been passed down to me, by my family. But, even so, this foundation would no longer serve me, as I struggled to make it to the other side. I had to turn back and find another way. My way. And as I stood on the cliff's edge, I new, instantly, that I had to step out into the open space, unafraid of falling. Something inside of me had told me that I would be safe, if only I would take a leap of Faith. The really strange thing is that I was wearing a black cape and carrying a staff in my hand. That was really weird, because in my mind, I would have equated a black cape and a staff as something to do with evil. Not a part of my world. But, I took the leap, and as I stepped out into the empty space, the Wind caught my cape and carried me safely over to the other side. On Wings of Faith, I flew! Wow! How cool was that! And whew! What a relief! And, as I landed, I saw, before me, a vast Field of Golden Oats, gently Swaying in the Wind... it was my whole World before me. With plenty to sustain for all time. The dream, for me, was all about Faith... and CHANGING ONE'S PERCEPTION. Had I let my pre-programmed notion, that a black cape and a staff stood for evil, effect me, I may not have found the Faith to take that life-changing leap. I learned, not only about Faith, in that dream, but I also learned about perception.

Most all of our Perception is pre-formed by what we have been taught... or even, what we might have experienced, in one moment of time. But pre-conditioned thought... and one life's experience... both do not, and should not, shape what IS for all time. In order to experience the fullness of what Life has to offer, we must change our Perception. Indeed, what small worlds that we live in, when we are not open to the fullest of all Perception. Black is not an evil color... but we associate it with evil, because it is what the masses teach us. How little that we experience, when our Perception is based on such little information. Since that dream, I have always made sure to look outside the box. Anything in a box is only as big as the box. A box is tiny in a great big Universe. I don't know about you, but I want to see it ALL. There is soooo much more out there for us to experience, feel, learn, and know. And homeless people are not the scum of the earth. They are a one result of all the many inequieties of this world. It's all in our Perception. If we choose to ignore the obvious, then we have to take no responsibility for fostering change... if we choose to feel nothing, then we short, not only ourselves, but the rest of humanity, in the process.

The above video is one of many Beautiful and moving songs that Robbie Robertson & The Red Road Ensemble perform... and this one is so special. For all the Ghosts out there... all the wrongs that have ever been done... all that needs to be revived, as a People, and within one another... all the tears that need to be dried.

Today I post this as sort of a spurring on, for my ownself. And anyone else who can get behind it.

We can't just forget the past. We have to right all that is wrong. We have to renew Life, every day that we breathe. We have to help ourselves... and we have to help our Brothers and Sisters, too. Whatever we do to the Web, we do to ourselves. Look what we have done. Look what we continue to do... and sometimes, we do it by simply doing nothing at all.

Peace, Love & Further Enlightenment ;)