Disconnect

Saturday I took a walk down the old tow path, that runs between the river and the canal. It was a beautiful day. Pictures were rather dull and boring, for lack of much color, but it was fun trying, anyways. Lots of people, young and old and babies in carriages, dogs on leashes, some not on leashes, conversations fading in and out. I walked a very long time, and it was marvelous... just to feel freedom... unencumbered... the patches were the best, where the crowd was sparse, when it was just me and the sky and the trees... when darkness was close, I turned back, reluctantly. The night, much later, was a dark night, indeed... but the sun did come up the next morning.
















Things are changing, have been changing, been the same, really, just now waking up and taking more careful note. Just those same repeating patterns that got old a long time ago... years ago... there has to be change.













On Sunday I felt the need to get in a crowd, so I went to the flea market. Most times, I blend right in, as I begin to melt into the humanity that surrounds me, feeling a part of all those around me. Sunday, this would be different, and I could hardly wait to move through each table and find my way back to my car. Each face that I saw, I deplored. Each voice that I heard, I didn't want to hear, in fact it was sometimes deafening. I did not feel a part, I felt entirely disconnected... and on a level that I had not felt in a very long time. It was disarming, even alarming.

And I know why... it's been a slow and gradual process, but always a process...

I could make a list of reasons to change things... but details don't matter, it all adds up to the same thing. The biggest reason is the darkness that fell upon me Sunday night... when things get that dark, it's time to start the change... because I don't feel connected where I'm at, now. And I don't think I ever will.

Change come quickly?