At this strange point in my life, where I feel as though I am losing control, I find myself surrounded by situations in which I have not responded well in areas where, perhaps, I should have been stronger in my stance, instead of buckling to pressure.
Recently, in a work situation, I and another employee, who is my good friend, I might add, were given tasks that involved moving boxes and materials out of a temperature controlled storage area, sorting through them, then moving them back in, again. Beyond that, we were, the next day, given the task of moving other boxes and materials from one place to another. It seems I may have been a control freak... to my friend. In my own eyes, I was merely trying to accomplish the task in an orderly fashion, keeping in mind, if you will, that I was thinking in advance, of someone having to go back in, behind us, and search for things. I was keen on going through each box, so that we could discover the contents, and so that we might label the boxes before returning them to storage. My friend informed me that she was not compelled to look in each box, but to take them out, sort them by date, if they were dated, already, and put them back in, putting "like" with "like" (how can one do that, without having a peek, now, one might ask???). I thought that absurd, to not look, but waste time just to throw them back on the shelves, unchecked. I didn't say so, but did keep trying to store them in an orderly way, and did continue to search through each box. As well, the next day, when sorting through other materials and boxes, that were not already in the temperature controlled room, I discovered other boxes containing film, negatives and other things which needed to be in a temperature controlled atmosphere. I had relayed, to my friend, that I thought we should put them in the controlled room, to which she replied, "I was told to put them in such and such a place, not there," to which she added, "I wasn't told to think for myself, I am just going to do as I was instructed." I was surprised at her response, but I shouldn't have been, because she became offended, if I moved a box to a different place than where she had originally thought to put it. My "supervisor" had appreciated my extra effort, but it seems that I annoyed my friend and co-worker. I did not want to complete the task, half brained, knowing we were leaving film outside the temperature controlled area... in my opinion, this would have been a lame-brained thing to do, and I certainly didn't want anyone to discover this later, and wonder why we hadn't the common sense to put them in the controlled area. Same thing the next day... another storage room project. I was instructed by my supervisor to be very careful how I was putting the books in the boxes, so as not to damage the ones that were not in cellophane wrap. I reported to work an hour before my co-worker, and when she arrived I instructed her as to what I was doing. I showed her the way in which I had been stacking the books in the box, and said that I didn't think we should stack other books, inside the box, on top of the ones that were not in cellophane, so as not to bend the covers. It was said in a questioning way, to see if she would agree (wanting her not to feel left out in the decision making). She replied, "Oh, I don't think it will make any difference." I thought she had not understood, that perhaps she thought I had meant that we could not stack boxes on top of boxes, so I explained again, and said that I thought it might cause the soft bound books to buckle if we put another layer on top... and she snapped rather harshly, at me, "whatever!!" At that point, because she is my friend, I simply stood up and said, "I think I will go pour a cup of coffee, I just made some, but haven't had the chance to get a cup, yet... and you can do this any way you prefer, it's ok with me." Point being, I was not going to take responsibility for the books being warped. Nor was I going to take abuse, because she was feeling insecure. I went and found other tasks to do. In the end, she found a better way to put the books in the box, that allowed us to put more books in, but, I should note, they were not stacked, two layers, which is what I had originally been shooting for, in the first place, when she had disagreed. I was pleased. I am not sure if she took a minute to think about this, since I left her to her own plan, but it did seem that once I had left the scene, and she then became responsible, she saw the light of my tiny bit of wisdom.
I think, sometimes, that I act too loosely. I didn't want to leave her out of the decision making, because I knew she had been offended the day before; however, it should have been a situation in which, if I was taking responsibility, that I would have not asked her, just done what I felt was right. In any case, it all feels a bit weird. Even though it was she who snapped at me, I feel somewhat compelled to call her and apologize if I had offended her... because, I do know that she has low self-esteem and I seemed to have stepped on her toes the day before, when I kept changing the boxes.
I wonder if this is a lesson in my own confidence levels... in my ability to think and reason... and manage my thoughts, and ability to carry out my tasks, regardless of other's issues...
I did call her, I did apologize... and she said that she felt it had all been her fault, really, and that my ideas had been great. I wonder why it is that I get undone when I feel people are angry with me, when I really have done nothing wrong. Or... was I just lacking in leadership skills? On the other hand, was it necessary for me to be in a leadership role?
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