So Much Water... and Time Goes On Forever...

Yesterday was the first 3 hour tour of the season, since the water's been back in the canal, and my first tour, since the water's been back. It was smooth and calm. I was happy to see the turtles and muskrats were still there, and the water fowl, since the water has only been back for about 2 weeks. I had wondered how the little critters faired. I was happy, also, to see the water plants were still about and blooming, except that the most invasive ones had not had enough time to replenish themselves, and that was a good thing, in so far as the propellers on the boat are concerned, and the intake to the penstocks. It was good to know that I am still being scheduled, though my opportunities to guide are far and few inbetween. There is still hope that I will be driving, though that did not work out the way either I, or the canal, had hoped.

Things are really complicated. As it stands, it has been determined that I have to repay the unemployment compensation that I drew for about 3 or 4 months. This is most difficult, so I plan to reappeal that decision, for the 2nd time. If I lose, then any money that I make, there, will only serve to go towards repayment, and won't amount to a hill of beans towards extra moolah for my own pocket. I guess I should be grateful for that? My new job is 27.5 hours a week, at $8.00 an hour. I guess I should be grateful for that, too. It is beyond me how the DOL can determine that repayment would not be difficult for me, when I have nothing left over to play with, once my bills are paid, and can't even put a roof over my own head. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, however, that someone else provides.

There is a lot of pent up anger lurking about, regarding all this, but I have to pretend I am a duck and that the anger is the water that rolls off my back.

I'm not sure why I can't get rid of anger. I'm not sure why I feel as though I need a break. I'm not sure why I feel as though I don't deserve all the junk that has befallen me.

I keep trying to retrace the bread crumbs that I've left behind me, but some of them have been eaten along the way, by the crows and ravens pecking in my path. There has to be a recognizable pattern. There has to be a way, a key, to unlock the secret of this dark door. There are things eating me alive, and I can't find the source. I feel as though I have a good heart, and live with good intent.

Since returning to the canal I've noticed certain traits in other people that I dont' care to experience anymore. Patterns of negativity. I won't participate in it, either. I won't let it ignite me, as I may have in the past. I hear their words, but also see where it is coming from, inside of them, and I am separate from that. I go there to perform a job, earn some moolah, meet people, and enjoy the water as a bonus.

In the meantime, since moving out of my male friend's home, I've come to discover that I really don't have a life. Actually, I knew this for quite a while, as I was kicking and screaming, on the inside, that my whole life was engulfed in his own... and his life is a tornado, at all times. He lives a productive life, but there is no peace inside of him... go figure. I chose to step outside of his tornado, and that was in impossibility living under his roof. Separate homes allows me some space to find my own voice, make new friends, do things I want to do, that he cares nothing about. Thing is, I'm not doing that, yet. Yet. Things are just settling down.

Time is on my side.