It's been a really long time since I really wrote from the heart. It's so easy to just post a music piece, or make a comment about some movie or play I saw. Each time I attempt to "go there"... those tender places that still call my name... I suddenly get extremely tired and feel as though I weigh a hundred tons. And then I can't write. I told someone, just today, that I really don't look back there, anymore... and when I do, I just get angry... just now getting to the anger stage. 6years, and just now getting there? Today, just for fun, I went into my old emails. Those emails. There was love there... great love. Magical love... LOVE. So... what the fuck? It's like my friend said... the one who, also, had found the perfect love... and lived in bliss, till the one day he and his love had their very first argument, and his love decided to end it, right then and there... like, blam! He was out and someone else was in! It blows the mind! And causes one to ponder into fathoms, previously, unknown... for long periods of time. Like years. And when it was so perfect, that just makes it all the more mind blowing, as to what went wrong. There really is no rhymn or reason... nothing that will make sense, anyways. So, all one can really do, in circumstances like these, is just close the door. Close the door... as if they didn't exist. And yet, it's hard to move on, even with the door closed... because, somewhere deep inside, in some unconscious, yet always conscious state of mind and heart, you remember... you just remember... the Love... that flowed... and flowed... and flowed. And you will always long for it, again... and you know that it will never be, again... not ever, not like that, anyways. And you spend a lifetime talking about it... sharing about the love... until you just get tired of that, too... nobody really cares, nobody really wants to know, and besides, you're growing tired of talking about it, too. It's nothing... worthlessness... empty, useless, vacant, empty memory... that serves no purpose, anymore, other than... to bring tears. I read the emails again, today. Been a really long, long time. And I was surprised. I'd only read a line or two, and the tears begin to well. I thought I'd moved beyond that place... and yet... there it was... again.
Loss is loss. It matters not that mine is gone from this earthly plane... or that my friend's ex-love still walks the earth. The recovery is still heart shattering.
He drew this 7-pointed star. It came from a dream I had... and it meant a lot to us, both, the dream... and this symbol.
4 comments:
Missing your writing.
Just sayin'. :)
There are two Bills that come here. I knew, immediately, it was you >>> just sayin' ... lol!
I miss writing, but it's not been happening for me much, these days. I can say, however, that I have one in draft, that will most likely be a 3-part thing. I haven't been able to find your blog, although I think you changed it like 3 or 4 times???
haha Yes, I like to "redecorate" often. My blogging is probably more of a mental diversion for my ADDish mind than anything.
I wish I felt free enough to be more open and to write deeply and honestly like you do, and then keep the blog going as you have. Reading your writing is like getting a real slice of life, and not just some creative pretense. I like that.
I understand totally if you ain't feeling it; but think it would be great to see (read) you back here again soon.
Bill(2)
You know, Bill, you can always create a false identity in order to give yourself the freedom to write as you would really like to. I have my blog... and then there's Facebook, lol. Facebook? I ain't being as real and deep... most of us know one another, there, and nobody's wanting to know one another on such deeper levels, in real life... hence, blogger-land. I think the reason I haven't been writing very much on my blog (partly) is because I'm now living with my elderly mom (as opposed to younger mom, lol). I have far less privacy, unless I isolate myself for the many hours that it usually takes me to write one posting. I do miss it... but, the down times has me doing other things, which might be productive (and might not be, unless watching The Bachelorette might be considered as being productive). I think it's the place I am in (emotionally/mentally) and the place where I am at, with processing those emotions and mental states. Sometimes I just don't know how to say what I'm feeling... sometimes I don't know what it is that I am feeling, much less be able to express it. Or, perhaps, I don't want to face the emotion that is either right there in front of me, or hiding deep inside. So, I stuff it. But, there have been a couple of things that have started to pry it back out of me again... we shall see, we shall see.
I'll have to check out your new digs :) Thanks for droppping by.
Post a Comment