Things have lightened up for me. It's been a long time coming. It's sometimes tough driving your own karma. I have to laugh as I write that, as there's a wonderfully humorous book entitled Driving You Own Karma that I read years ago, that's never left my consciousness. I suppose you have to have a sense of humor to appreciate the title, but the picture of a clown driving a tiny car, on the cover of the book only adds to the humor. One of those "you had to be there" kinda things.
For now, I've accepted my fate. I'm living at home with my mother. It's where I need to be, for herself, as well as myself. And I've found ways to make my own space. It takes me a long time to adjust, often, to any sort of unexpected turn of fate... which life is full of... especially when I am driving my own karma. What a poor driver I've been. Nevertheless, I'm adjusting quite well, even if slowly.
I could write a book on coming full circle. It's a momentum that is constantly in motion. It's constantly changing, and yet, in each completion of it's continual round, in many ways, all remains the same. Sometimes, it's a bit like coming up for fresh air. Many times, it's a constant spiral that slings you further from the beginning... round and round it goes... and where it ends, nobody knows. The infinity of any given moment, that echoes and resounds in places unexpected, and unknown.
The past few months have been amazing. There was the usual and expected thrashing about and gnashing of teeth, with regards to my return home... but, along with it, reconnection on many levels... to my past, and the people from that place. Some of this happened in the public forum, Facebook. Reconnecting with people from my youth... to find what sameness we might have... or how well we might accept the differences we might find in one another. It is, without doubt, I who have changed the most, amongst most of my past acquaintances. I left my roots. I explored beyond. I didn't come back the same. And I won't be, ever again. It's ok with me, but for those who didn't change, I decipher the separateness. On the other hand, I've run back into those who did the same as I... explored beyond... and what a fresh breath to find connection with those, again... as if we were never apart, and excited to share all that we had learned... about Life... Unity... Connection... and the Wheel that keeps on turning. Even more, if we hadn't been particularly close in the past, it brought a sort of closeness, born from understanding, today. There's just something about having explored beyond my back door that has been exciting and enlightening. This same exploration, by others, creates a "knowingness" among those who have explored beyond... and an appreciation for one another's gainful insights. In my little neck of the woods, this exploration, without returning to the old, is looked down upon, by those who never left. That's sad, really, because it's a sort of judgement... the sort of judgement that my new knowledge has taught me is not true to what the old ways had given me... which is why I left in the first place, that double standard. But, the Universe will meet you where you're at, which is why, I believe, within the space of two months, 3 friends from my past unexpectedly appeared in my life, and unexpectedly warmed my Heart, by helping me to, inadvertently, feel connected to my past, again... and to learn that Home is truly where the Heart is... more importantly, the Heart is where Home truly is. And mine has been being replenished.
The first reconnect was with Ron. We've maintained a friendship for about 25 years, now, having previously been co-workers. He went to California, I went to Germany, I came back from Germany, he came back from California, and now he's back in California. We've remained close through numerous relationships, on both our parts. Perhaps fuckedupedness has been our main connect, through the years... only, we are both survivors of our own sometimes truly less than ideal choices, and perhaps that has also been our connection. We remain close at Heart, we are part of one another's cheering section, and our Love for one another is constant, through time, no matter where we are... in the world, or in Life.
Recently, I reconnected with an old friend that I met around '92, when I was a mail carrier, and she was working at the gas station I delivered mail to. She had spent about 25 years in the horse industry, until her back wouldn't allow her to do the intensely physical work anymore. She'd not formally educated herself, because she had lived her passion, which didn't require a degree. She's the youngest of a very large, wealthy Victorian family, 13 siblings. Today she lives quite frugally, partially retired, but living a life with meaning, filled with the small things that add to our daily joy. She's much the same as she ever was, but she has changed. You can see it in her eyes, which are full of Love and Peace. She's a tough old gal, who enjoys the better things in life, when she can obtain them. In the meantime, she experiences the Light, and is aware of the Power of the Universe. I hadn't seen or heard from her in 15 years. I helped her move back to her home town, last I saw her, in '94. Then she left for Arizona, and I for Germany. That's when we lost touch. And then the Wheel turned 'round another notch... and there she was again. We managed to squeeze in a couple of outings, and an entire day at the races, in November, before she had to leave for home, again. Hopefully she will be back in December, and there will be more visiting. She is, without a doubt, someone whom I joyfully call "friend".
And then there's me. This one taken Thanksgiving '09, standing in the doorway between my mother's kitchen and den. I've started to feel Peace again. That comes with acceptance, not struggle. I'm starting to feel Joy again... and some level of personal Happiness. Part of that is due to acceptance, yes. Acceptance of my life circumstance. On another level, acceptance of myself. It helps, to feel accepted by others, to find connection... and reconnection. It also helps to live exist in an environment that is, in and of itself, accepting, with positive vibes, and the warmth of Love, that helps one sustain and keep on BEing.
I even reconnected with an old sister-in-law. We were married to brothers, oh some 36 years ago (Damn... I'm getting so freaking old! 37 years? Really? Damn!). When she was my sister-in-law, I always really liked her. Our time, however, was short, as we both moved on and our paths went in separate directions... amazingly enough, though, we traveled similar paths, and so have much to share and compare, in our newfound reunion. I look forward to getting to know her even better.
And then, living here has had me living closer to the rest of my family. We're nearly a little compound, so cozily are we nesting in one another's nearby vacinity. I see my grandchildren more often, as well as my two sons, whom, both, I see nearly daily. Of course, there is nothing to compare with moments such as the one I enjoyed in Wally World, the other day. As I was strolling down the isles, I saw my oldest granddaughter, and she ran up to me with open arms and pursed lips, "Granny-Ma! I love you so much! I love you more than any child has ever loved before!" Yeah, she's my son's child, alright! Christmas is just around the corner!
Yeah... happiness is creeping back in!
Oh... and Faith. I have Faith, but sometimes it's like I forget that I have it. I freak out. I usually try to remind myself that everything is going to be alright, but it sure is tough waiting for it to appear, when it isn't looking too good. I've been concerned about lack of boating hours on the canal, through the winter months. And how I might do Christmas, with that in mind. I was worried, to say the least, about meeing my monthly obligations, never mind the hope of Christmas. To make matters worse, I work for a temp agency, and even though I am working 40 hours a week, I was losing 2 days of work, in November, due to Thanksgiving holidays.... and coming up, 3 days for Christmas holidays. Soooo... in addition to not having my regular Sunday boat rides to supplement my income (that's 4 days of income loss), add 5 more days, due to holidays... and, with the holidays right here!
As it was, Faith did not prove me wrong, other than to prove that, once again, "Don't worry, things will work out!" I had just told my mother that something always comes in, when I least expected it, but I couldn't see where anything was going to come in from anywhere, this time... so, I was pretty worried. As it turned out, not only did I find that I had been paid for Thanksgiving, because I now qualify (although I wasn't paid for the day after Thanksgiving), I will also get paid for Christmas day ('though not Christmas Eve or the following Monday). In addition, I received a $25.00 gift certificate, a small dividend check came in, for $29.00... and, the canal shared a generous bonus of $100.00 Nice! It doesn't stop there... my insurance premium also came down this month, by $100.00 (a shared amount with my son)... and my car will be paid off in January! Whahooooo!
Happy Holidays, everybody!
1 comment:
As a note to myself, since this is my personal journal, there is yet another who has come back into my life, to form a nice bond. A former co-worker from when I was a letter carrier. She just popped up, out of the blue... and the reunion was been such that we are closer, now, than we were then. I have to wonder what all these reconnections are about. But I am grateful for them, nevertheless.
Post a Comment