It's Halloween, The Fair Is On, Going Out On A Limb, My Grandma's Name Was Minnie (for real)... and Getting Old Sucks!

Like my Halloween look?

I didn't mean to dress up for Halloween. Well, I guess I meant to, seeing as I did. But, it was all totally unexpected, not having planned it out way ahead of time... instead, having been taken by some spur of the moment wild hair that seized me in the middle of shopping. I was shopping for stuff to fix for our Halloween thing at work. Then I had to shop for more stuff for a baby shower at work, next week, too. It was fun buying the baby clothes. They're so darned cute, and it's actually nice to have an excuse to browse through the baby section, from time to time. It's like nostalgia overtakes me, or something. Warm memories flood the brain, remembering the days of my own little newborn ones, snug in their warm, fuzzy blankets and smelling like soft baby powder. I can still see the smiles on their itty bitty faces, and hear their tiny little coos. And there's maybe some sadness, because I think all nurturing moms eventually miss nurturing their "little ones all grown up"... and have to find something else to nurture, to fill that unmistakable void. I'm nurturing me. And... that's what grandchildren are for, too.

It might be a little sad, too... when we realize we have reached that age where we just can't have those little ones anymore, even if we wanted to, and I don't, mind you. But, it's still like a slap in the face, that stark reality of barrenness. If you're all screwed up in the head, as I have sometimes been known to be, one might feel somewhat less of a woman, given that fact of non-reproductivity. Or, if one is well balanced, as I am occasionally known to be, one might just accept one's age. Here's the skinny on all that: I ain't no spring chicken. And I don't like it! I think I might need a hormone adjustment!

Anyhoo... I decided to cruise down the Halloween costume isle, on the way to checkout. I was just looking for a Halloween platter to put sandwiches on (I never found one)... or, perhaps, a tiny little flashing Halloween pin, or necklace, to add a little spirit to my Halloween scrubs. Oh, the scrubs are cute, too. Disney Halloween... little Mickey Mouses (Mickey Mice???... just kidding) and Donald Ducks, all over my body! How much fun is that! Well, I get stuck for at least 30 minutes in front of two shelves full of shimmering body and hair paints, nails, and eye lashes, galore! I became paralyzed in front of the eye lash section. Gosh! I could choose from long, thin lashes with tiny shimmering bits of glitter, short blue ones, short red ones, thick black ones, huge red, orange, and blue dotted ones, made from feathers... and the ones I got... a combination of lashes and feather tips. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THESE??? But, I can't resist, I must have them! I haven't dressed up for Halloween in at least 20 years. Well, I scoot on down the isle, and there I find the cat ears. Cat ears, cat tail... and bow tie to match the ears. I toss the stuff in the cart, and never find the flashing pin, or necklace (but, do find a cheap set of colorful earrings to match my colorful scrubs). I'm not even thinking "cat", really... I'm thinking Minnie Mouse!














If you think these photos are way too bright, you just might be right. The whole point of these pics is to show you my Minnie Mouse lashes, and the cute little feathers attached to the edges. And, if you can make them out, in the first picture, my ears (and pig tails). It's nobody's business how many wrinkles I have, if I care not to share that, this go 'round of snapshots, or how many age spots dot my face... or how many chins I sadly find myself with, these days. And I hope you won't be one of those smart asses who copies other people's photos to their own pc, just so you can change the contrast and lighting, to see what someone really looks like. I wouldn't do that, myself. Really, I wouldn't. But I do click on most photographs, and see if they will blow up larger. And that can be scary! One thing's for sure, it's a sad state I find myself in, whenever I see my photograph, these days. So... why, then, do I photograph myself? Well, it seems I lost a few years of photographic documentation, with regards to my life. And now... it's become like a study for me, of myself. Maybe even part of that nurturing myself thing.














I look, strangely, Italian and Jewish, in this one, both of which I'm not. What a snoz shot! And although I always knew, as a kid, that I didn't have much of an upper lip, I never realized, till now, that I actually do have a nice plump lower lip (comparatively speaking) just like my Dad did (only he had two plump lips, not just one).

Ok, so I've never dressed up for Halloween, in the work place. I decide to do it this time. And guess what? I was the only one who did, aside from a few black and orange hair bows floating around, and various Halloween scrubs. I was always afraid, in the past, of making a fool of myself. Gosh, what if I dressed up, and then nobody else came dressed???? That would be my luck... and it was! Well, as it turned out, I was the hit of the office. And my co-worker even said, "Why didn't you tell me you were gonna dress up? I would have dressed up, too!" Apparently, last year, she showed up dressed as a Christmas tree. And, this year, one of our "consumers" in the "day program" came dressed as a Christmas present. She was so cute, with a big red bow on her head, a green Christmas tree bag draped around her, that looked like Christmas wrap, and a big nose that glowed and changed colors. Bless her Heart! But, that was on Thursday, and this was Friday. The "consumers" don't come to the "program" on Fridays. Rats! They would have loved my costume, even though some people thought I was a rabbit, for heaven sake! I think they must have been thinking Playboy Bunny... yeah, that's it, Playboy Bunny.














Ordinarily, I would have been embarrassed to have stood out from the crowd. Strangely, enough, this wasn't the case. And that's interesting, in and of itself. It's a measure of my growth, in my confidence level. Of my willingness to go out on a limb, totally unafraid of any potential criticism, or possible resulting feelings of separateness. Or... imagine this... maybe it was just because they all liked my outfit. Who knows how I might have felt, had someone said, "You look like a fool!" Instead, my image received rave reviews all day long. In fact, I think I may have looked better, in my getup, than I do, ordinarily, on any other given day, lol. I mean, the lashes were sensational! I almost felt like a drag queen, and I'm not even a guy! I hope this is not a sign that I'm gonna grow up to be one of those loud, obnoxious women, who finally finds her courage and bravery, in old age, and doesn't care what anybody thinks, even if she looks like a fool, and acts like an ass! God help me!

I even went to the fair with my son and his girlfriend, that same night, the eve before All Hallows Eve. Imagine that, he asked me to go along. He had said, "You wanna come along, Mom? Corie doesn't really like to ride many of the rides." This son knew his mom. At least, he remembered the mom that he grew up with. Mom was always up for fun and excitement, Mom was always brave, Mom never shrank back from a challenge. "Sure, I'd love to go, thanks for asking!" was my reply. That was on Wednesday night. By Thursday night, I had decided I wasn't going. I was making excuses. I can't really afford to go, I spent all my extra money at Walmart, buying Halloween stuff, and baby presents. What am I gonna do, at the fair? I'm too old, and it's a tiny fair, besides. And I couldn't afford it, really, at this juncture. But, I spent exactly $33.50. And that's a Christmas present I could be buying.

In the end, the best part was the $1.00 I spent to divide a tiny half bag of chopped up carrots between a bunch of animals with big eyes, soft noses, and wet little tongues, eagerly lapping up whatever was in the palm of my hand. I love animals, they love food, and I didn't have to hang upside down and have the fear of God instilled in me, just to know I was alive. And my son, he's 26... but he loved the animals, too, and had told me, ahead of time, about the tiny little beige and white spotted goat he had seen, on his quick walk-thru a couple of days, earlier, that liked to stand on top of the miniature water buffalos. That's my boy! Some of his mama rubbing off, appreciating all of God's precious creatures.

But really, now, I had a ball. The first ride was the Nitro. It was two circular clusters, each cluster with about 12 individual seats facing the inside of the circle. These two individual clusters went round and round, higher and higher, tilting side to side, until you thought you might lose your lunch. It had been years. Ok, now.. this is feeling different. I'm starting to feel weird. Then my kid energy kicks in. I use my mind to alter what might have been a bad response to crazy fun. I begin to smile and grin, and make a little noise. This change in attitude changes any feeling I might've had about throwing up. This is cool. But, about the time I begin to let go and feel the exhilaration, my mind begins to wonder, "What ride was it, somewhere, not so very long ago, at a fair close by, that went wrong, and someone was hurt???" My mind begins to race, and I'm telling myself, "Are you freaking nuts?! You could die! You didn't know any better when you were a kid, but you're old enough to know better now! " but I continue to smile and make lotsa noise. I get off the ride, pretend I'm not slightly dizzy and laugh my way to the next one.

I'm opting for the Ferris Wheel. Maybe they will think it might be great fun. Dusty is all for it, but Corie doesn't really want to go on the Ferris Wheel... they scare her. I have to say, I didn't think she could possibly be anymore scared than she was when we were sitting in our seats, all buckled up, waiting for the Nitro to gear up and take off. She had the same stark blank, but obviously frightened, look on her face that my oldest son had, at age one, while sitting on Santa Clause's lap. It was that look of, "Save me! Somebody, help me! Where am I, and how did I get here... and won't SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME !!!" A silent plea, through large innocent eyes. And then that slight look of "trying" to look ok, when you know they're really not. I couldn't help but wonder if I had had that same look on my own face, awaiting a possible/coulda been death.

Finally, they opted for the Himalaya. That's always a safe one. It's just a caterpillar train that runs in a circle on a track that oscillates and flounders up and down, playing very loud hard rock music, and then taking time to reverse action. Lots of screaming, hair flying, and trying to keep from squashing the person you are being jammed up against. I notice, as we are going round, that I am obviously the oldest person on board. All the folks, my age, are standing on the sidelines, outside the ride, waving at their grandchildren, who are spinning by. Wha??? Where is their spirit of adventure, their spirit of fun??? I guess it's not till the next one, Ring of Fire, that I finally grasp why there are no old people on the rides.

I begin to realize that they are acting on their better judgement, their innate sense of safety, that I am, for some stupid reason, choosing to ignore. This one is another circular tract. In fact, it looks like a gigantic circle, standing on end. That's right, one end of the circle is on the ground. The other, and opposite, portion of the circle is... well... waaaay up there, in the air. And we are in another train-like car that begins to go left, then right, left then right, higher now, again left, higher yet more, then right, so on and so on, until we are entirely upside down, at the other end of that circle that started on the ground and we are way up there, in the air. And yeah, upside down. And it stops, right there, so that we can just hang... upside down. I had planned it out, ahead of time, just where and what I might need to hold onto, in case the door should, for some ungodly reason, fling itself open. It would be the little metal bar, to my left. But, somehow, hanging upside down, I knew that was gonna be impossible, because all of my energy was going in the direction of... down. Straight down. I could tell, ahead of time, if the door did fling itself open, there would be no hanging onto anything, no saving myself. I would just fall straight out, and break every bone in my body, and probably breaking my neck, first.

If I had to choose between Ring of Fire and Nitro, which one would I ride again? Ring of Fire. I figure the odds of falling straight out, while hanging upside down, and breaking every bone in my body, to include my neck, were far less than the potential for tossing my cookies, that the Nitro might bring. Besides, I could just as easily fly right out of my chair, on the Nitro, as I could fall from the Ring of Fire, and the odds of that were still less than the odds of me puking my guts out...so, let's not tempt fate?

But I was glad I went. Because there comes a time, when your kids reach a certain age, that they don't invite Mom... or Dad... to go places. My kid had asked. And I was taking this moment, to do family time. You betcha! It would take, till morning, to get my innards back together, from hanging upside down, being slung back and forth, and tossed up and down. In fact, I've been nauseous on and off, all day long. It could be something that's been going around, after all, I've been fighting sneezing, and nose blowing, and other such seasonal things for weeks on end, now. My co-workers have all taken sick days, some throwing up, some with vertigo, others hacking and coughing, while I just keep working, remedying and babying myself, one day at at time. It could be a number of things, but I'll never know, because I don't have healthcare, and can't afford the cost of office visits, and tests, nor can I afford to take off work, without pay, to sit all day long, in a low-income health care clinic (because it does take all day long). For now, I'm just saying it's foolish behavior, combined with lack of spring-chickenedness, and that will settle that!













I wish I'd had the chance to ride the Ferris Wheel, and the Carousel, but we ran out of tickets. Besides, I might have been too embarrassed to ride the Carousel. Yeah, right!