I Just Want Peace

There's always someone who wants to be over-bearing and forceful in the work place. I just hate that. I thought I had escaped that when I was laid off a couple of years ago. Guess not. Guess it's everywhere, as it turns out. Guess it always will be, unless I should be blessed with a miracle. Today I think I did well, in handling the situation, though I wish that I had not let it effect me as I did. But, I handled it better than I used to. I mean, someone did have the power to knock me off center a bit. Just that it made me angry, their attempt at over powering me... and I wish that I was centered enough that other's attempts at exerting power, where not necessary or called for, would not upset me so. In the end, they had to have the last word. I had told them that I had nothing else to say about it (in trying to put them off) and then they continued, anyway. When I replied back to their continual banter, they then said, "Let it go, just let it go," and in a very loud voice, so that if anyone was listening, they would think that I had been the one going on and on... when, in fact, she had been the one who would not back off and let it go. Don't you just hate it when people bait you like that?

It was a simple matter of me not having done what this person told me to do. This person who is not my supervisor. Nor were my actions wrong, the thing that I did, instead of what she told me to. It was a matter of her becoming angry, with eyes bulging, because I didn't follow her suggestion (if it could be said that it was a suggestion). I tried to ignore her, but she was continuing, even while I was trying to hear what our client was saying, on the other side of the window. It was a matter of setting up an appointment. There was confusion on which day to set him up. Tomorrow? Or the next day? It really made no difference. The confusion had been as to whether there was actually an open appointment slot for "tomorrow". Because I had not been sure, I chose the next day. She was determined that I set them up for "tomorrow". She even suggested I paige the therapist, to clarify the open slot. Ok, to appease her, I did. When the therapist did not respond, I went ahead and scheduled them for "the next day". It was no big deal. But it was very annoying to me that she tried to control the situation, and would not relent, even while the client was still standing there in front of me.

Once the client was gone we had more words. I told her that she needed to let it go, and, I added, that she had control issues... whereupon she told me, as her eyes grew large, that it is I who has control issues. I don't believe that I have control issues... in such a way that I try to control others actions. I do believe, however, that I might be a little touchy about someone who tries to control my actions... and I do believe there is a difference. I tried to be graceful. I tried to stand my ground, without giving insult. I tried to remain diplomatic, in front of the client. I felt she was out of line for continuing down her line of pushiness, when the end result would have been of no consequences, anyway. I even tried to smile and took great strides to remain calm on the inside, though I was beginning to lose patience. In the end, I mumbled under my breath and walked away from the scene to catch my breath (once the client was gone). When I came back to my desk I was (nearly) centered... and I never said another word about it, neither did she.

In an evening conversation with a friend, I relayed the story. They were insistent that I tell this story to my supervisor. And when I explained to them that I wasn't going to give it anymore energy, by doing that, they became just like the co-worker had. Going on and on and on, raising their voice, becoming forceful and with an angry tone. I informed my friend that my supervisor knows how this person is, already, and can't stand the person, anyway. And that there was nothing to report. That it would seem as though there was a problem, when there really wasn't, should I go to my supervisor. "But," my friend insisted, "you don't know what that jerk might have already said." "And," I said, "I don't really care." I then told my friend that he was being the same way as she was, that he was trying to force his opinion on me, that this was about me, and how I had handled the situation, not about what he wanted me to do. You see, I didn't even get the chance to tell him that I had been so happy at how I had handled it, because usually I am not so good with pushy people. Mostly, I was happy about the fact that I felt good about myself, I felt confident in who I was, and calm inside about it (afterward, lol)... as opposed to feeling like a poor whipped puppy, who had not done what someone else had said, and therefore, must be really stupid (perhaps a past emotion, in response to someone who became angry with me, for not doing what they wanted me to). I only attempt to get this person off my back. To send the message, that hey... you don't have to tell me what to do, I'm a thinking person. I mean, my stupid self could have done what she had wanted me to do, but that would have been micro-controlling my actions/decisions... and there's no need for that. And I just wanted her to know that, in a nice way. I guess telling her that she has control issues wasn't nice... but she didn't take the hint, any other way. In fact, she still thinks she was oh so right, and I was oh so stubborn. Maybe so... but not as stubborn as she, for pushing me.

I've come a long way, really. In the past, I might have gone to a supervisor. But, supervisors can't help us solve our personal and confrontational issues with other people. Those things are solved through hard inner work, time, and patience. And you know what? When we handle things in a good way, we become more confident, because we have nothing to regret. And we become stronger, in who we are, through that newfound confidence. Now... if I can just get to the spot where I other's actions doesn't feel like pushing, just their own ridiculousness... well, then I will have arrived.

Ego doesn't really exist. It is something which we create in our minds. And, if our minds can create it, we can uncreate it! That's what I'm working on.

Yeah... I just want Peace.