The Times They Are A Changin'

Over the last few weeks I've gone through a lot of emotion... setting into motion... change.

Some of it I'm happy for, some of it is necessary... some of it is love/obligation based. Then again, a lot of it is still stressful, in dealing with. I don't do change well. It's an oxymoron, really... I love change, yet I dig my heals in when it's happening around me. I'm slow to change. Give me some time. Don't force me... let me do it on my own, at my will. Let my roots let go, themselves... do not rip them from the ground.

This one has been coming.

I've started moving my belongings into my mother's home. She is eldery, my dad passed away 2 years ago, she's recently been put on oxygen. Not continuously, but at night, and when she walks long distances.

I lost my appeal. My work place was upset because I was drawing unemployment benefits from them. I thought that if I lost, I would be able to go back to the federal emergency unemployment benefits. No can do, which had been based off of the amount of unemployment that I had been drawing from the previous place that I had been laid off from. Since I am not entitled, now, then I am not entitled to the other.

Bummer.

This leaves me without a paycheck. And still searching for employment, since the canal is drained and we can't do boat rides. It turned out my significant other couldn't absorb my debt, long story, perhaps could, some, other things blocking that for sure thing. There was so much tension in the house you could cut it with a knife. Things were tough, as it was... different wave lengths. Opposites.

With my mother being reduced to taking oxygen, now, she's been trying to get me to move in, anyways... as have my sister and brother, to help look after her. For quite some time. It's always been a given that I would be the one... I am not married, I have no home of my own... and, currently, not much of a job, till the water is let back in. It makes sense. It feels like... I don't have a life. But, I want one.

It's a bit frightening, as well. I see visions of "old maid" dancing in my head, my future written and stretched out before me.

On the other hand, there will be an even exhange. I will help take care of her, she will help take care of me.

Fine line of balance.

I have not ended my relationship with my friend. We will continue to see one another. He understands, even if it scares him, too.

My life will not be devoted solely to the care of my mother, who is not at a helpless level, just limited and scared to be alone. She is soon to be 85. She still drives. She is very involved, socially. She plans to live to the ripe old age of 99... or 100, if she can manage. One of her dearest friends is 99 (and she still drives)... she says that if Ola can live to be 99, then she can too!

I will continue to have a life of my own.

Mother recently had 2 biopsies done. One on her left ear, the cartilage. The other, on the opposite side of her head, a biopsy of her artery, from the temple area. She has a lot of physical issues. She's scared.

Sooo... I've cleaned out an entire dresser and moved some stuff around, making ready to bring in some clothes. Me thinks I will never get my storage out... I never did get it all moved in to, where I will be moving from. So tired of having my life in boxes.

But, there are lots of windows here... lots of light... and am looking forward to bringing my flowers over, to sit in my bedroom window, here. There is Peace, momentarily.

No criticism. No bantering... no loud television, when I am trying to get to sleep... and the bed is comfortable.

Peace... that's worth a lot!