To Edisto On The Eastcoast - For The California Scattering On The Westcoast...

A glorious shot of Edisto Beach.

When Tim was cremated, I scattered half his ashes. The other half went to his family, in California.

On the day that his ashes were to be scattered, there, I had been in the middle of the energetic movements that were transpiring, that I had shared about in my Pigs On The Wing and Healing posting. It was sort of an online healing effort, where certain persons had gathered in the little online community that Tim and I had once created, in their effort to (supposedly) help me work through the emotions. Some of the people involved were not nice. They used methods that were crude and forceful and less than compassionate. They prefer to shake you up like a bottle of pop, then sit back and watch you spew. Not nice. When I asked that they cease those ways, and they did not, they were gone like the wind (ban and delete buttons can be awesome, sometimes) and saving only the energy that had been moved through the singing of those beautiful songs... in there, had been Truth and Light, Love and Healing.

My sister had been a part of that time, she had been witness to those less than compassionate ways; they, those people, like to say that they are of the dark and light, with one foot in both worlds... but they operate out of the dark. Darkness is part of us, already (heck yeah, we all walk with one foot in both worlds, it's part of the Earth Walk while reaching for the Heavens) and we can honor the lessens that we learn from having been lost in the dark... but, we do not learn the lessons while we are in the dark, it is only when the Light comes back that we can look back and see where things took a wrong turn... and, one certainly can't lead one out of the dark with more dark... it takes Shining the Light, to cast shadows out. It takes Love. Dark is not Love. Dark does not heal... but Love does. Folks, energy is very real. Energy moves because it IS moving... and sometimes it moves in destructive ways.

My sister can attest to the negative energy that transpired during those days... and the destruction... she became aware of a world that she, before, had not known existed... at least not having ever experienced. Now, my sister is "experienced"... and she knows that some of the things her sister (me) talked about was not just "crazy" talk... but very real... she took a walk in my world. And helped lead me right out.

They had pushed and shoved me around, rubbing my nose in the waste and debris (instead of helping me clean up the mess that was already there, which is what Love would do) and I was an emotional basket case. I didn't want to be alive... I wanted to be some place else, anywhere but alive.

When it came time for his family to scatter their portion of the ashes, in California, at the last minute, and with much emotion and confusion, I decided that I had to be standing on a shore, somewhere. With no plan, and no provisions or means for a nights stay, I grabbed my dog, Alanis, and took off for the shore, 3 hours away, and in the rain. I slept in my car, that night, in the parking lot by the shore and next to the pier, with Alanis right beside me... waves soothing my crazed and roughed up soul through the unforgettable night. Below is an account of that night, with a short preface, first.

I want to say that I am a, basically, shy person. I am not the sort of person who feels comfortable going into bars, alone. I am not the sort of person that others are drawn to, or even approach, as a general rule. I blend in, unnoticed... I try to be like the cameleon that I am, it usually works. This night would prove to be different. It was majical. Tim's presence had been everywhere... Love had been everywhere... and I would go away with many messages brought to me, through the energy that others shared. Some of the messages were from Tim... some of the messages were about Tim... some of the messages were about me... but all of them were for me.


From: Sun Glider Sent: 6/6/2005 10:31 PM

I didn't know if I would make it, when I took off for my trip... it was Raining and my emotions were skewed and I'd been crying for quite some time... but I had to make that trip. And I didn't know what would await me... if Sarah would walk into the Ocean Blue, on a dark night, down by the Sea. But I got in my car and drove, as the Raindrops became a part of me... reminding me of one of my favorite quotes, from Blade Runner... "and these moments shall all be lost, like tears in the rain"...

I took Alanis along for safety and companionship... her first trip to the ocean. Somehow the drive had calmed me, acting like a meditative thing... music from the radio, to replace the tension that had been in the air... and away... away from there. After a few wrong turns, I arrived at exactly 9:30... the exact time his family was giving him back to the Sea, on the West Coast... a Beautiful Scattering of Yellow and White Rose Petals, and many origami Cranes... and a bit of Tim's Essence, lol, as a jet ski went flying by.

When I scattered my portion, on the East Coast, in April, it was entirely for him. I did not want to release him... not a single part of him, the last of the clay of his physical existence, floating away from me... but I did it for him, entirely... never for me. Now at this last moment, this scattering from afar, I knew, somehow, that this was for Sarah. I never even tried to access Tim, leaving him free... leaving him to BE with his family, to say their last goodbyes. If he wanted, he would come to me... and I would be open to him.

So, what to do with myself and the rest of this night? I decided to check out the pier. By chance, I had to pass through a small local bar, to get access to that pier... and as uncomfortable as it was, I wandered in, among the small crowd of locals, scattered everywhere, lol... ordered my favorite, and then found the pier. I stood there for awhile, as the Wind Sang my Soul... and the Waves were Crashing in Song, Cleansing the tensions away from me. It looked as if there would be Music tonight... a Cello and a Guitar.

Back inside the bar, I found a quiet spot, away from the crowd... trying to be stealthy, and remain unnoticed... but I could see that there were people watching me... me, so timid, hoping to just not be seen. I could see there was this young guy who was wanting to speak with me, though he kept his distance, only watching me from time to time. I tried to relax and close the world out... and just listened, as that music played. It was the hardest thing to do. I missed my Babe and hearing him play that way... and of course they had to play a Floyd tune, one that I had sang in here. And Beautiful Knights In White Satin, too, the celloist in perfect form. It was hard to mask the loneliness, but I gave it my best shot. It was hard to keep the tears back, as the Music filled my Heart and Soul... but, I offered a smile back, as the celloist smiled out at me.

On first break, the guitarist asked, "haven't I seen you in here before? ... aren't you the one with the flute?"... nope, not me, as he walks on by. Imagine that... he saw me with a Flute. I remembered the time I had painted a silhouette of Ian Anderson on my door, him playing that Flute, back in the day... and memories of Youth and Innocence filled my Heart, bringing something back to me again, that Tim had never touched, those particular days in my LIfe... something which belonged to me. ...Bungle in the Jungle... it's alright with me... lol...

When the celloist took her break, she stopped by and asked if it was ok if she could join me... cool... she sat and we talked, as she shared of her Journey... full of Vigor, Enthusiams and Life, as her Laughter filled the air... a Beautiful Soul, who made me feel at Peace, and comfortable with her giving smile...

Eventually, that young kid came by, as predicted... and he was about 3 sheets in the Wind, but he was witty, intelligent, and he had something to say... and as we discovered that he had gone to a wedding once, in my town, he began a story "of an interesting story", lol, he had gotten into, "at length", with someone in the liquoer store, in my home town... about his tie, it would seem. Then, he, very painfully, I might add... being fully into the drink... began telling me about how he liked ties with "repeating patterns"... and "that were not framed"... he went to great length to describe this pattern... how it swirled and swirled, repeating itself, "many repetious repeating patterns" (he repeated over and over, lol)... taking his hands and showing how the pattern did not end, it would 'fold around' the edges of the tie... he did not like "pictures on ties, that were framed". It seemed that he had waited all night to tell me this story. In my head, I realized that he, too, did not like endings and finality... he too, did not like things in a box... he too, liked the mystery of infinity and he, too, didn't like dictated outcomes/endings, open to the Flow of things... he did not like 'things in a frame'. "oh," I said... "I see"... "you are into circular thinking, you do not like linear things"... the music was loud, it was getting hard to hear... I repeated it twice, drawing a circle in the air, and a line horizontally, too... he nodded his head, as if he understood... but, somehow, I don't think his conscious mind did. Then, in time, as easily as he came, he slipped from his chair and he was gone... without even goodbye... without even a goodbye. And then he was gone.

Everything was Flowing... a Beautiful girl, who was playing around with a tambourine, Swirling and Dancing, in rhythm and rhyme, and her lover, enraptured with her... some guy with them, I think they were all a bunch of musicians, lol, and he kept watching me on the sly, too... and when I'd turn and meet his eyes, there was a Smile as wide as the Skies... anytime the crowd would smiled and laughed together, he always looked over and pulled me in... he was young and dark, dressed in beach clothes, hair pulled back in a small ponytail... and his smile was just like Tim's... his smile was just like Tim's.

Winged One...