When Tim was cremated, I scattered half his ashes. The other half went to his family, who live in California.
From: Sun Glider Sent: 6/6/2005 10:31 PM
I didn't know if I would make it, when I took off for my trip... it was Raining and my emotions were skewed and I'd been crying for quite some time... but I had to make that trip. And I didn't know what would await me... if Sarah would walk into the Ocean Blue, on a dark night, down by the Sea. But I got in my car and drove, as the Raindrops became a part of me... reminding me of one of my favorite quotes, from Blade Runner... "and these moments shall all be lost, like tears in the rain"...
I took Alanis along for safety and companionship... her first trip to the ocean. Somehow the drive had calmed me, acting like a meditative thing... music from the radio, to replace the tension that had been in the air... and away... away from there. After a few wrong turns, I arrived at exactly 9:30... the exact time his family was giving him back to the Sea, on the West Coast... a Beautiful Scattering of Yellow and White Rose Petals, and many origami Cranes... and a bit of Tim's Essence, lol, as a jet ski went flying by.
When I scattered my portion, on the East Coast, in April, it was entirely for him. I did not want to release him... not a single part of him, the last of the clay of his physical existence, floating away from me... but I did it for him, entirely... never for me. Now at this last moment, this scattering from afar, I knew, somehow, that this was for Sarah. I never even tried to access Tim, leaving him free... leaving him to BE with his family, to say their last goodbyes. If he wanted, he would come to me... and I would be open to him.
So, what to do with myself and the rest of this night? I decided to check out the pier. By chance, I had to pass through a small local bar, to get access to that pier... and as uncomfortable as it was, I wandered in, among the small crowd of locals, scattered everywhere, lol... ordered my favorite, and then found the pier. I stood there for awhile, as the Wind Sang my Soul... and the Waves were Crashing in Song, Cleansing the tensions away from me. It looked as if there would be Music tonight... a Cello and a Guitar.
Back inside the bar, I found a quiet spot, away from the crowd... trying to be stealthy, and remain unnoticed... but I could see that there were people watching me... me, so timid, hoping to just not be seen. I could see there was this young guy who was wanting to speak with me, though he kept his distance, only watching me from time to time. I tried to relax and close the world out... and just listened, as that music played. It was the hardest thing to do. I missed my Babe and hearing him play that way... and of course they had to play a Floyd tune, one that I had sang in here. And Beautiful Knights In White Satin, too, the celloist in perfect form. It was hard to mask the loneliness, but I gave it my best shot. It was hard to keep the tears back, as the Music filled my Heart and Soul... but, I offered a smile back, as the celloist smiled out at me.
On first break, the guitarist asked, "haven't I seen you in here before? ... aren't you the one with the flute?"... nope, not me, as he walks on by. Imagine that... he saw me with a Flute. I remembered the time I had painted a silhouette of Ian Anderson on my door, him playing that Flute, back in the day... and memories of Youth and Innocence filled my Heart, bringing something back to me again, that Tim had never touched, those particular days in my LIfe... something which belonged to me. ...Bungle in the Jungle... it's alright with me... lol...
When the celloist took her break, she stopped by and asked if it was ok if she could join me... cool... she sat and we talked, as she shared of her Journey... full of Vigor, Enthusiams and Life, as her Laughter filled the air... a Beautiful Soul, who made me feel at Peace, and comfortable with her giving smile...
Eventually, that young kid came by, as predicted... and he was about 3 sheets in the Wind, but he was witty, intelligent, and he had something to say... and as we discovered that he had gone to a wedding once, in my town, he began a story "of an interesting story", lol, he had gotten into, "at length", with someone in the liquoer store, in my home town... about his tie, it would seem. Then, he, very painfully, I might add... being fully into the drink... began telling me about how he liked ties with "repeating patterns"... and "that were not framed"... he went to great length to describe this pattern... how it swirled and swirled, repeating itself, "many repetious repeating patterns" (he repeated over and over, lol)... taking his hands and showing how the pattern did not end, it would 'fold around' the edges of the tie... he did not like "pictures on ties, that were framed". It seemed that he had waited all night to tell me this story. In my head, I realized that he, too, did not like endings and finality... he too, did not like things in a box... he too, liked the mystery of infinity and he, too, didn't like dictated outcomes/endings, open to the Flow of things... he did not like 'things in a frame'. "oh," I said... "I see"... "you are into circular thinking, you do not like linear things"... the music was loud, it was getting hard to hear... I repeated it twice, drawing a circle in the air, and a line horizontally, too... he nodded his head, as if he understood... but, somehow, I don't think his conscious mind did. Then, in time, as easily as he came, he slipped from his chair and he was gone... without even goodbye... without even a goodbye. And then he was gone.
Everything was Flowing... a Beautiful girl, who was playing around with a tambourine, Swirling and Dancing, in rhythm and rhyme, and her lover, enraptured with her... some guy with them, I think they were all a bunch of musicians, lol, and he kept watching me on the sly, too... and when I'd turn and meet his eyes, there was a Smile as wide as the Skies... anytime the crowd would smiled and laughed together, he always looked over and pulled me in... he was young and dark, dressed in beach clothes, hair pulled back in a small ponytail... and his smile was just like Tim's... his smile was just like Tim's.
Winged One...
From: MSN Nicknamenaturelovingwoman Sent: 6/13/2005 7:15 PM
WO
What a beautiful experience at the shore. Incredible that you went, not knowing what to do or what to expect and yet you found your resolution there without force, without chastisement, without ripping you apart, but with Love. You didn't pull Tim to you, but he came and he was all around you there. There were so many signs for you to see. There was peace, there was hope and there was love. There is a new day.
This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that's to be found in life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as I rise above my burden is easing
CHORUS
I bring the pure flow LIKE water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow drink so deep
The river of life my soul at ease
NLW
From: Sun Glider Sent: 6/13/2005 8:32 PM
It was an awesome experience...and though my first instinct was, "hey, I should come back here again, these people are all pretty nice and the music is great!"... but, I know, in my Heart, that it was One Majic Night with my Majic Man, and we felt so fine. In short, it won't be repeated. The weird part of his presence, that night, was more like he was there, through other people... and not so much the usual ways of connecting. It was more like I was there, alone, but with Love all around me. Perhaps is something which I have to adjust to... and, perhaps, just occurs to me, now, that they were there, representing him, while his Heartbeat was with family, on the other shore... sorta like he sent the Dragon ahead, to represent him, before he made it to my door.
It was a much needed experience... and one for which I will always be most grateful. Again, I listened to my gut, which knew that I had to get to the shore, though I was afraid and crying. But, I ran right past the fear, listening to the 'within'... following that 'need' to 'be there'.
I don't regret a moment. Lol, you should hear people, when I say I slept in my car. I was perfectly safe that night... perhaps safer than I had been, in a very long time. And I had my traveling companion with me, Alanis, lol. But I don't know if she could scare off too much with that wagging tail of hers, rofl.
Winged One...
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