Into The Light and Rebirth

It was 4 years ago, last night, that I released my husband's spirit, that it might go onto other realms. There are numerous schools of thought as to where a spirit goes when one looses their earthly body, there are different schools of thought as to what happens to a spirit when one takes their own life. Some people believe that an

individual's spirit goes to "hell" when one takes their own life. Some believe that the spirit is temporarily or, possibly, infinitely, confused and lost and wandering, when they find themselves traumatically taken from this world... whether it be from a car wreck, a horrendous crime (such as in the well loved movie Ghost) or from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Some see "hell" as that lost, painful, confused and wandering place, until the spirit realizes that it is dead, or is able to find resolution with the death and then goes into the Light. Some people believe that a spirit goes directly into the Light upon death, no matter what the cause of death. Some people believe that a spirit needs to be assisted, in order that it might go into the Light. Some schools of thought say that the grief of the ones left behind will prohibit the spirit from going into the realm in which it was meant to go, upon expiration of the body... or that the spirit must find peace with their past, and the events which preceded their death, before they can go on. Some say that the spirit can traverse back and forth, between realms, once the body has expired... depending on the pull from those left behind, depending on the strength and/or initiated level of the spirit which has left the body, or depending on the spiritual work that the deceased has left behind, to be completed, before they can move on. Still, others believe that the transformed spirit cannot traverse between realms, that a veil exists, separating the worlds, that can never be crossed, once death has separated the spirit from body.

I do not know the "fore sure" answer to any of these lingering questions. All I know is my own experience, with the death of a loved one, and each individual's experience is different, according to their own emotional/psychological makeup, or individual spiritual and/or religious belief system. I do firmly believe, however, that everything resonates at a certain vibration. I also believe, firmly, that whatever vibration your particular belief system is resonating at, is what you will experience... within this realm or any other. I also can not say, for sure, if my own belief system affected my deceased loved one's experience, beyond the veil, once he passed... or if his own belief system was the only thing effecting his experience. I do know that we shared the same beliefs. We believed that spirit lives on. We believed in reincarnation. And we had also made an agreement that, once this lifetime was gone, we wanted to come back, together... to meet early, in our next life, and not have to go through unsuccessful relationships and life changes, before out spirits would meet and be allowed to experience love and joy, together, again. He even went further, saying, "Hey, why not come back together, as one integrated body and spirit." He was wild and crazy, that way, which is one reason I loved him so much. He always saw possibility, he didn't know the meaning of impossible. He believed in majic, as I did. I can't say, however, that I saw anything exciting about his idea of reincarnating as one being. This would certainly encapsulate, fully, the idea of being one... however, I couldn't fathom the joyful experience of love, that way. In fact, it might come crazily close to having a dual/split personality. None of how I feel or what I may wish for, with regards to all these other-realmly things, will, I fear, make these things happen. Some things are just beyond my immediate control... or am I just talking myself out of faith, here? One can dream, and one can make pacts, but it would seem he broke the pact, already, just by going on, ahead... just as I broke the pact by taking my ring off.

I am also aware that there are some schools of thought that believe a single spirit splits, upon birth, to go out and experience separate realities, and when the spirit have lived these experiences, grown, and learned, then it is allowed to join back up with the other half, which is one romantic idea of soul mates, twin flames, or whatever word you want to assign it, in order to understand or meet one's emotional/spiritual/intellectual or religious requirement. If this were possible, I don't believe we would experience it in this realm, however. I believe we would return to being truly one only when our earthly journey is complete. But I don't know anything about this, it's just my rationalization. I've known some who have felt, their entire lives, that their soul mate was already on the other side, never having known them, in the physical, and waiting for them, on the other side. It wasn't possible for them to feel complete, then, as they continually and woefully mourned the fact that they would be forever missing, this lifetime, the connection of their loved one, till they could pass on into the other realm, themselves. This was a sad situation, but not much different from those who had known their love, only to have lost them to death of the body. It comes out to the same thing, mourning for something that can't be quite tangible, ever again, while on this earthly realm.

I had experienced his presence, in many shapes and forms, after his passing. My sister had even witnessed some of that presence, while in my home, something much more visual than what I had been able to experience... she even found him in her dreams, while I spent night after night awaiting his return. My mother experienced my father's presence, after his passing, and sometimes still does. I cease to experience Tim. I am not sure if it is because I did attempt/try and let him go on, if he just went ahead on, himself, or if I have closed him off, to ease the sorrow and pain. These days, he seems like someone I never really knew. Someone who just stepped into my life for one brief moment in time, leaving a trail of emotion behind that I had to deal with. What were the lessons that he came to teach me, in our short time?

Yes, I can dig down and find that place, in my heart, where he touched me like no other, where I "knew him" in a very personal and loving way... but, when I go there, the pain and longing resurface... so, I try not to go there, anymore. Yes, the images and words trail into my head, skip through my heart, and invoking emotion of all sorts, without my attempts to conjure them up, at times. This will always happen, I am sure, since he is a part of my heart and subconsciousness, now and for all time. Strange, this thing called Life... and Love.

I wanted him to appear to me. I wanted to witness the many things that others sometimes do, when their loved ones go. I couldn't even get him to come into my dreams... at least not so that I could interact with him. To feel his embrace. Perhaps I did, but was not able to interpret it as such, since I couldn't see him. A couple of dreams, but always very impersonal, and without our being able to connect, really... just witnessing his image, with his image being unaware of my presence... or knowing that he had been there, just seconds before me, never quite being able to catch up to him. His spirit was illusive, to my awareness, in many ways. I was never quite sure if this was because of his own inability to penetrate the thick energy level of this earthly world, or my own inability to traverse into his space, because of my own earth-binding egoic layer.

I saw him, when I was with the shaman, that once. He was swimming in slow-mo... the movements gave the appearance of swimming through the water, but with no water that I could visibly see, more like swimming, with restraint, through the air... but, his face was distorted, the way water might distort an image, down deep. There was interaction between us, emotion exchanged, though nothing audibly heard. It was pleadings, desperateness, from him. He was sorry, for my pain. I wasn't really picking up that I was communicating to him... rather, he communicating to me. I wasn't quite sure if this was real, but the shaman said, "Well, you saw it, didn't you?... that makes it real." Though I believed, strongly, that we create our own realities, and that all levels of reality are real, I still was not satisfied, I wanted something more. I wanted the big kahuna, the grand finale.

I had experienced deep levels of love, and poems falling out of baskets, at my feet, that he had written, phones mysteriously ringing in unheard of lengths and tones, messages on my answering machine, indecipherable and spoken in an unearthly voice, I had messages delivered to me, through loved ones and songs. I found little objects, through time, that spoke to me. But I wanted to feel his arms around me, I wanted to feel the bliss, minus the suffocating pain. I had asked the shaman, "Can't you take him into the light?" "Only if he comes to me," he had replied. He had not seen him, I had. I believe the shaman had been trying to rescue my spirit, not his... when, all along, I had thought he was trying to rescue Tim's. I believe this is why he had cut me lose, the shaman, as I had explained in my previous posting, Pigs On The Wing. I believe he had misunderstood my intent for having come to him. He was trying to retrieve my soul, on this journey that he and I took, together... while I had thought that he was trying to retrieve Tim's. I had asked the shaman, when we had first met, if he did soul retrievals. "Yes," was his reply. I think I understand, now, that he must've thought that I was talking about my own. More on this, later.

He died on Thursday, September 9, 2004. On New Year's Eve, December 31, 2004, I accompanied my children to a neighborhood campfire party. I wasn't up for it, but they wanted me there. They understood the depths of my pain and loneliness, they were trying to help, though there is no way they could have understood that I just didn't want to be there, at all. I went, out of respect for their love and care, but I made sure that I was back home before the midnight hour struck, which would hail in the new year. I wanted to spend that time with Tim, in whatever way that I could.

Once back home, I brought out my laptop, and began reading the many loving words that he had written to me, through time. As I sat and read each word, they came alive on the screen, filling my heart, just as they had when he had first written them. I had been filled with confusion, as to why the shaman had abandoned me, and anger, that he seemed to have refused to lead Tim into the Light. This seemed not fair, who would lead him, if not this shaman who claimed to do soul retrievals. The shaman had told me that Tim was swimming in the River of Life, the reason for his distorted face, that appeared to be underwater, and that if he kept on swimming, he would find the bridge that would lead him across to the other side. I hadn't thought that I might have the ability to help lead him across, so I never tried. I wasn't a shaman, so I felt entirely helpless as to what to do. I so needed to know that he was ok, going to be ok. Sitting there, on New Year's Day, the clock having already struck to mark the final hour, I closed my eyes and began to see a shape forming in my mind's eye. I had seen this shape, before, and it had appeared to be something curled up, like a kitten asleep. It had more of a fetal look to it, with swirls all around, as if looking into the deep cosmic wild blue yonder. This time, when I looked, there was a red center. Nucleus was the only word I could find to describe it the red center, and there were millions of tiny sparkling stars or lights, all around it. As I continued to keep my eyes closed, I spoke to this image which I knew, somehow, was Tim. It had seemed, to me, that he had been resting, garnering strength, to transform to the other side. "There is a bridge," I said, "it's just right up ahead of you," I continued... and tears flowed from my eyes. As my words were forming, my heart was breaking, because I knew that what I was doing was letting him go. The shaman had told me that he would not be able to cross over if his heart was not strong enough. The shaman had been trying to lose my heart from his own, from Tim's. He had seen a hook, and was trying to pull it lose, but I would not let it go. The shaman had told me that I was very strong and very stubborn, and this was going to be much more difficult than he had thought.

"Use my heart," I spoke to Tim, in the very early hours of New Year's morn, "you can use my heart, for as long as you like, as long as you need, in order to carry yourself over to the other side." This was killing me, I never wanted to let go. I told him that it was ok... if he wanted to go. I told him that I would stay with him, for as long as he needed. I told him that he did not have to let go until he was ready to go, I didn't care what anyone else said. I was willing to give my heart to him, forever, just as I had promised, when we first came together...through life... and death. I saw death as just a little stumbling block in our Path, together, as two, and as One. I saw it as part of the "for better or worse" part... I saw death as nothing that could separate souls. I would never abandon him, it would have to be he, who left me. And he had, when he pulled that trigger, but I wasn't so sure that he really had wanted to go, that he was really ready to separate from me.

I felt a lot of emotion, mostly I felt Love. I was confused, for one. I had heard, among all the many other crazy things, that when one takes their own life they reincarnate almost immediately. I hadn't thought of this the first time I had seen the fetal image, in the swirling cosmic sky. As I saw that image, this time, with the red nucleus, I became concerned. How could he leave me? He was supposed to wait on me, so that we would reincarnate, together, and live a life full of happiness and love, like we'd always wanted. This was almost a joke, the thought, now, seeing as we could not seem to get it right, this short time that we had been given... or that short time that we had taken, to fuck it all up. Why would we be given the chance to come back together, skipping all the miserable karmic stuff, in between. I was a little angry, too, with the thought that he might be going to reincarnate sooner than myself, while I had hoped that he would be waiting, in our nest in the sky, ever guiding my days and nights, my own personal angel.

I went to sleep feeling warm, filled with the energy of the loving words that he had written to me, over our brief and sweet time together... and with a sort of melancholy sadness, at what seemed to be having to accept that he must move on... and that I must help him... allow him... if this is what he wanted and needed to do. Secretly, I still hoped that he would remain, though tried to remain unattached.

When I awoke the next morning, my entire heart and spirit was flooded and filled with the most beautiful, deep reaching, warm Golden Light. I was amazed. I didn't understand from where this Loving Light came. But I allowed myself to be bathed in it. My Heart actually smiled. I went out onto the porch, where there were still numerous boxes of unpacked things, from the move I had to make, after he took his life. On the 1st day of January, the Sun was Shining, and the Wwarmth was Radiating the Sweet Aroma from off the boxes, that carried the scent of the home that we had shared, before these sad days. I felt in a swirl... and our life, together, our short time, love whispers, scattered across the wind, memories, visions in my head, wrapped themselves around me, squeezing me tight. This was the Love... His Love... I knew that he had transformed, and his Love had become even greater than before, the energy of his Heart, able to now reach into my own. This was his thank-you... he was now free.

I went back to the place where he had died, lay down on that very spot, where the blood had soaked through the carpet, and that I had to clean up, because there was no one else who would or could. It was sweet, lying there, no longer smelling of the death to be found in the mix of bitter blood and gone wrong frozen peach margaritas. I relished the feel of his Love, lying there as long as I could, smile upon my face. After his death, I had gone there, time after time... sitting in front of the fireplace, paper in hand, gazing into the vacant eyes of his pictures, that could no longer look back. I had seen him, numerous times, walking down the long dirt path, right eye and side of his head swollen, purple, the way he looked, before they took his body into the fire. We had placed a napkin across his eye, for the long moments that were spent gazing upon his face for the last times, dragonfly lovingly drawn across the napkin, a last gift and goodbye from those who mourned his leaving. Now, I didn't see that damaged face, walking towards me down the path. I saw his smiling face, as he played with 8 little puppies that had trailed along behind him, each one of those puppies had strangely gone on, too, something new for me to reflect upon, now. Those puppies had been a healing balm to him, from the emotional place that he had come. I imagine, now, that they were here for a purpose, and are with him now, running through heaven's lush green grass, all 8 tails wagging. I walked out the door of that place, trying to hold onto the good, to the Love that had enveloped my Heart, as I lay in that spot, where he took his last breaths, for one last time.

Many days would pass, the Golden Light would last for only 3 days. There would be more emotion filled days to hurdle, different degrees of sadness and anger... finally, anger. It took a very long time to get to the anger stage... and perhaps that is when I began to close the door. Go away, you didn't want to be here, anymore, go away, now.

I don't know a lot, I only know what I have lived, which is real in my world. It's hard to grasp or believe anything that I do not experience, first hand. I do remember a strange dream that I had, when Tim was still alive. There were many details of the dream, but the part that remained the most illusive and outstanding, was the fact that we were passing by all these people who had no faces. I was afraid, but they seemed not to have even noticed us, as we walked by. There was a lot of fear in that dream, yet there seemed to not be a need to fear. I have learned much, over time, about fear... the only thing we need to fear ... is fear, itself.

After Tim had gone into the Light, I received a book in the mail that the shaman had suggested to me. It is called Shamanic something or other, can't recall, seems it was something like psychobable. I had ordered this book before Christmas, but it failed to arrive until a few days after Tim had gone into the Light. I was amazed, as I read the info in the book. Now I understood why my shaman had said that he could not assist Tim into the Light, unless Tim, himself, came to him. Now I understand why the shaman had not even seen Tim. According to the book, when we go into the land of the dead, the spirits cannot see you, though you may see them, unless you are there to lead them into the Light, and these spirits would have no faces. I am convinced, now, that these bodies, with blank faces, walking past us, in the dream, were dead spirits, and that we were actually walking in the land of the dead, in that dream. You have to understand, we had studied shamanic dream time ways, and had discovered many amazing things, though we had continued to know very little, while constantly filled with curiosity, all the while, to learn more. Someone also told me, regarding the little twinkling stars that I had seen, surrounding the sleeping fetus, that those twinkling stars were other souls, waiting to be reborn. There were so many pieces of the puzzle, regarding Tim and mine's life, together... signs I had seen, that he wasn't long for this world. I have to wonder, now, if he had come into my life, to find me, so that I would one day help him into the Light. I have to wonder, if this dream, had not been my first training, my first walk, in the land of the dead. So many things that do not make sense, otherwise. If the book had come in the mail, before New Years Eve, that year, so long ago, I might not have believed some of the events, or been tempted to add the newly read knowledge to my personal box of psycho-babble... and who knows, perhaps it would not have meant as much, in the end, or perhaps I would not have believed that what happened had been truly real.

We have to find ways to make our lives make sense. We have to find ways to fill the void, perhaps even fulfill some egoic need. Perhaps just a way to heal our sorrowful and mourning souls, at times. Months later, in a communication with Tim's sister, in California, she told me of a ceremony in which she and Tim's nephew, along with a healer, had sent Tim into the Light. How could this be, I wondered? It was not possible. I explained, to her, that he had gone into the Light on New Year's Eve. I can't remember the day of her own experience, however, there had been some significance that was remembered, when she related it, something that either I had felt, when she sent him into the Light, or that she had felt, when I led him into the Light. In the end, I realized that we cannot know anything for sure... but this one thing I feel certain of... I believe, now, that we each retain a portion of that person's soul, or memory, when they pass on. I also believe that each mourning person, in their own way, can keep the deceased from going into the realms for which they were meant to go, upon passing from this earthly realm.

I don't know if his suicide kept him earth bound, some say that it did not. I don't know if my spirit, or some other grieving spirit, kept him earth bound, but it's possible. But I do feel that we are, each, those left behind and grieving, responsible for giving up our portion, so that it can move on. Perhaps I did lead him into the Light. Perhaps each of us had to let go of a little piece... for myself, it was all the pieces, that had not been burned in the fire that took his spirit up in smoke. I had, selfishly, thought that I could hold on... and live my life, walking with his spirit, for the rest of my days. Maybe I can, but not in the way that I had wanted, as if he was not dead, at all. I could not escape the sadness, walking with him in that way. I had to release him, in order to feel the Golden Light. One friend noted the numeric code of the day that he went into the Light. It added up to 9, which some say is the number for completion. How appropro...he completed his time on this Earth... at most, his time with me.

I watched Fierce Grace, by Ram Dass. In this film, he is dealing with the struggles of old age... and death. He is counseling with a young lady who is mourning the loss of her love... and she cannot understand, as I, how she can go on... it was so perfect, the love they experienced was like no other, and she can't imagine anything this perfect, again. She relates that he held her, she could feel his arms around her... and she asked him, "Will I know love, like this, again?" He responded, to her, "Yes, you will know love again, and when you do, my Love with be added to it." Ram Dass burst into tears, as did I. This single wise statement, delivered from the Heart, spoke more than many more words could have said.

Love... never dies... it simply multiplies... and all the Love that we ever feel in our Heart... that another gives to us... will stay with us, forever... we can turn it into bitterness... or we can embrace it, for what it ever was, and for what it can be for all time... Love... grand, beautiful Love... and when the body passes on, the Love does remain.

I remember passing through the many stages of my grief...and the guilt that I would feel for even wanting to feel someone's arms around me, since I could no longer feel his own. How could I be untrue, just because he had gone on. I felt, for certain, this would make it impossible to ever feel him again, if I didn't keep my focus steadied on him. I can't tell you what a healing thing it was to hear those words that young girl spoke... to know that the Love we are missing is never gone from us. With that thought, I am training myself to think in new ways, and let that Love surround me, in whatever new Love that I bring into my Life... I don't have to push it away, I can bring it with me... and know Love, again.

I apologize for the length of this post. I learned a while back that I could not write my story, in any certain order... the reason that it has taken so long for the bits to come out... but, I must express them while they are here, these emotions. This day, 4 years ago, I released many things... and allowed Golden Light back into my Life. If I can't feel it, at times, it is my own emotion that blocks it, not because it is not there.

On this day, New Years, I release many more things... and hope that you all will let go of the old, that might be holding you back from Joy... opening your Heart to new beginnings, filled with Love.

Peace & Love,

Shimmerrings