Change And The Deep, Cavernous, Cold Unknown...

I'm not sure why I love this picture so. Perhaps it is the "snow"... perhaps it is the "imprint"... perhaps it is the "handprint"... it's an "impression" any way you look at it.

There is change about for me. Yuck! I hate change... because it's so scarey... and yet, I embrace it!

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I don't really want to go to the interview because I really, really, really love my job... but, during the winter months I am not getting any hours. Add to that, the canal is being drained for a couple of months, and that severely reduces my working hours. Like, for instance... there are no hours scheduled, thus far, for the entire month of February??? Hello??? March is not looking any better. There is no warm and fuzzy something to hold into to, there.

I haven't even received my Captain's license in the mail, yet, for heaven sake! ... (it's coming, the long slow process... trust me, I've beeh checking on it!) ...

I worked for the Social Security Administration for 3 years back when I first got out of college... from there I went to the Post Office where I nearly doubled my pay (college is good most of the time, but sometimes blue collar pays off)... then, I shared before, I worked there for 15 years till I acted like an idiot and gave up my career (I could be retiring very soon, had I not!) ... well, anways, I lost my wallet in October of 2007 and I had to go by the Social Security place to get a replacement... while there, the guy told me I should send in my resume'... I was drawing unemployment at the time. I did. Heard nothing. Now, over a year later, I get a call. Would I like an interview?

I have been stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my job as a tour guide! Really love it! My place of work sent me to sea school and I made an agreement (verbal) that I would work for them for two years, at least, or pay them back. I was so happy to finally be the captain of my own ship and charting my own course. (I see everything in symbolism). Bottom line is, my significant other can't really pay my bills, the ones I had, already, when we met, when he asked me to move in with him. Not only that, but when I asked him if we would be able to make it through the winter months, his response went something exactly like this, "you mean, are YOU going to be able to make it." I didn't feel warm and fuzzy then, either.

Ok... so...

I talked with one of my co-captains about my dilima. I am morally obligated to hang out at the canal for two years... in fact, I really want to... even more, I want a place to settle down, I would really like to never work any other place, again... I love doing tours.. and I love driving the boat.

I had to go back to drawing unemployment. It took me 6 weeks to finally get a check in December (after Christmas I might add) and I was happy because there were 4 weeks in one deposit. Yahoo! I got to pay my bills! I was drawing Federal Emergencey Unemployment Benefits... the ones that got signed into law by Bush back in the summer, and then again in November. I was already working, then, although it is part-time with no benefits, it was enough to pay my personal bills and upkeep, so I never filed for those. Now, the emergencey benefits would allow me to draw the same amount I was drawing before I went to work at the canal. Cool! I thanked the powers that be. Really.

I received that one deposit, everything is cool.. and then boom! ... my check stopped. Seems a new qtr had started and since I had been working... even though it was only part-time... they must re-evaluate my case and see if I can draw off of what has been paid in from my current work place. This has me sweating bullets, because I make nothing like what I made before I got laid off from my previous job, which is what my benefit amount had been based on before.

I try not to freak out and realize there are thousands of people out of work... and I try to believe that... as always... things wil work out. Still. I have bills. But, my significant other pays the mortgage, it's his house, anyways, and he graciously covers the utilities and groceries. I'm grateful for that.

Now, my benefit amount is reduced by about $500 a month. I can't pay my bills with that... but, I can pay some, which is better than nothing. Besides all that, I haven't received any money from them in a month. And have you tried looking for a job lately? Especially if you are my age and under-educated. Heck, I'm not even sure an education would help, these days... but, it sure couldn't hurt.

I am obligated, legally, to seek employment twice a week, in order to draw the benefits. I've been doing that. But I've wondered what to do if I should get an interview. I really dont' want to leave the canal... but, I have to pay my bills. It's a no-brainer, but a tough spot to be in. "Hire me!" "No, don't hire me!" "I hope I get the job!" "I hope I don't get the job!" You get it.

My captain friend said that things happen for a reason... and that we never know what is in store.. he shared his own story of how things fell into place for him... and then I decided I would stop freaking out, let go, and let things take it's course... I would do as I am supposed to do, and apply for jobs... and if I get offered a job, I will accept it... because? ... I have no choice, of course... and it is just the way the cookie crumbles.

But... I thought the captain's job meant that I was charting my own course???? Being the captain of my own ship??? If I have to leave that job, will that be letting go of my dream? Letting go of controlling my own world?

I decided that no matter what I want, there is always a grander plan. And that part of charting my own course means that I have to feed my face and pay my bills... I have to be able to support myself, especially when there is no one else there to do that for me.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out... let the cards fall where they may. I never liked that job, when I worked there 30 years ago... it was your typical high stress government job... and I have really liked being as free as I felt at the canal. On the other hand, being that there is a lack of warm and fuzzy feeling, it just might be time to think of moving on, anyway.

Did I say I hate change?