Climbing The Branches, Hatching The Egg, Opening The Eye, Weaving the Web, Making The Connections While Reaching For The Sun

I'm changing a few things about my blog.

First, I've added links on the side so that if one wishes to scrounge around my postings, they are able to search by interest, whether it be my musical interest of the moment (related to whatever emotion I am experiencing when the bit was posted), my occasional artwork, simple and frivolous poetry, or a bit on whatever particular emotion that one might wish to relate to... or avoid, at all cost, lol. In separating these things into different categories, it also gave me a good perspective on my emotions. I found that most of my musical postings were related to deep emotion or spiritual happenings, things that prod the psyche, or just plain mellow music. I knew this about myself, years ago, when someone noticed that all the music I had purchased was real mellow stuff, nothing rambunctious or wild and crazy. I did manage to add some louder and wilder things to my collection, but I still enjoy the low-key things the best.

I was also shocked at the number of postings that related to depressed states of mind... though, not overly surprised. More surprising, however, was the fact that the majority of my postings were not sourced from depressing bits, as I had thought. I felt better after having separated the postings by emotion. Perhaps I wasn't so hopeless as I had begun to think. Somehow, separating the categories gave me a greater perspective on myself and seemed to add some order. I am one who sees everything that we do as being related, and everything that we do in one space effects the next space. So... a simple thing as sorting through my emotional spaces, on this blog, will fall over into my real life. I am not cuckoo... neither am I in denial.

Add to that, I have decided that I will not delete the blog, as I had been contemplating. The temptation to delete the blog sourced from hurt places, places that I could not write about, perhaps. Things that I wanted to say, yet felt could not be said, in order to preserve some level of privacy, dignity, or respect... for myself, or perhaps, others in my life. In not being able to say those very things that needed to be expressed, however, I was bursting at the seams. Frustration at not being able to speak of certain things is what has tempted me to delete the entire blog. I realized the parallel, however. In life, when I have not been able to work through an emotion, I have abandoned ship. In the end, I become lost at sea, from jumping from place to place, my roots cut off, unable to feel the warmth of the earth.

Abandoning places has caused a lot of pain in my life. But, I didn't know how to deal with the places that I found myself, so abandoning seemed the best course. Thing is, better and clearer decisions regarding my choices would have prevented the need to abandon, so often. Abandoning has also been destructive to others in my life, who were forced to experience my own pain and confusion. Often, they did contribute to my pain and confusion, but I contribute to theirs, as well.

The flip side, to that, is that I sometimes stay too long, in uncomfortable places, because I know how fucked up I can be... and I feel that there is something I need to learn about the emotion that I am experiencing, or the place that I have found myself to be. I have also found out that that is not necessarily so, lol.. perhaps I should just acknowledge that I don't need to be there and move on.

In all of these assessments, I have found myself growing in the strength of who I am, instead of the weakness of who I am. I have chosen to not give up anymore of myself, as I had in the past. I no longer blame others for what I feel has been taken from me... instead, acknowledge that I have freely given away aspects of myself... and, if I feel that I can no longer give those things away, without losing important parts of myself, that I need to hang onto, then, I will move on, and not leave destruction in the wake of my path. In the past, I would end up writhing about, fighting as if trying to escape some pain that someone else had induced onto me... when, in fact, I was only trying to escape my own self and the predicament that I had mistakenly brought myself into, out of weakness and ignorance. One could owe all of these weak moments and bad decisions to the fact that my choices were born of low self-esteem from early on. Now, to change those things.

I'm not fighting anymore. I refuse to. If it ain't workin' it simply ain't workin'.There's nothing to defend or prove, anymore. But, writing is still the key to me. I used to say that music was. These days, it's writing. I don't intend to give it up, so long as it helps me to breathe. But, I do intend to expand on my writing. I will continue to bare my emotions... by that same token, I will find more creative ways to reveal those things that are screaming to get out, but in a more protective mode. Vignettes, for instance. I intend to create a series of vignettes that speak of the things that are bursting from the seams, to get out. I also intend to make more serious postings. Instead of this blog being all about my emotions, to also post about a few things, from time to time, that are also very real in my life, or at least, interest me. Things which might be interesting to others, as well as informative, or support a cause. "Yeah, right!" she mocks of her good intention. "We will see!" Try is all I can do. There is more to me than meets the eye, on this blog. I have it, in my mind, that posting on other things, which deal with the other aspects of myself, might spill over into the real deal, and help develop those sides, instead of focusing on self-absorbed emotion.




All things are connected, in this Web called Life.