And So It Follows... Most Things Fade With Time...

In the beginning, I started blogging because my significant other was spending a lot of time online... no, that's not him in the picture, above, that's the other guy, the dead one I'm always talking about... anyways... so then, well... why not? He had a blog, it sounded like a fun idea. His was in the pursuit of artistic, and ultimately, business-like, endeavors... sharing his art and, hopefully, attracting collectors. He also formed friendships. That happens. He went out visiting, people came visiting. Nothing wrong with that. My first blog was called With Eyes Wide Shut... and I had a candid shot of myself, with eyes wide shut, for my profile shot, that he had accidentally snapped. Cool! The title was also a play on a former community name, With Eyes Wide Open... and, my spirit was feeling playful :-) My relationship with my partner was as new and as cuddly as newborn kittens.

I was not an alien from online connections. I used to have my own msn community, back in the days when there was such a thing, and belonged to many spiritual type communities, met many wonderful people, formed friendships and relationships of various levels, and experienced many awesome things through those connections, spiritually as well as intellectually. I was on spiritual hiatus, during those days, after all, and had given up the security of my blue collar career. That's another story, sometimes hindsight is 20/20. In the long run, I suppose the payoff for the swap was good... but I should have read the small print. I can say nothing else about that. In the end, I have one small community left (not to be confused with the term "blog") called With Eyes Wide Open. It's private. It was a special place created for just two. He and I, myself and that guy in the faded picture.

At the time, I was running in the wind, eyes wide open, reaching for every ray of sunshine that fell onto my path... and there were many. I was truly wide open and ready for the world... my heart was vibrating at top notch speed. It didn't last. After having been dealt a heaping soulful of heartache, I had decided that I was no longer going out with eyes wide open... instead, with eyes wide shut... going, but not wanting to look, lest I become scared of life and what the future holds... but going, all the same... keepin' on keepin' on, not wanting to see, but not wanting to falter, either. I think I finally realized that I was going to stumble and fall, no matter what I did or where I went... so, may as well run on... just don't look, or I may not be able to leap and skip and jump.












Hence, my description of living life With Eyes Wide Open became transformed into living life With Eyes Wide Shut. I felt humorously brave... or is that bravely humorous?















I found blogging to be quite therapeutic. In no time, the partner began criticizing my efforts. What was the purpose of my blog? Was I serving humanity in any sort of constructive way? He rationalized the time he spent, online, and the connections that he made, as being in the pursuit of artistic expression, and that his artwork did add positive vibes to mankind... and, in the long run, he added, helped put bread on the table, which made it not only necessary, but acceptable.

I deleted my blog, because of continual criticism, then soon created another one, called A Tale of Two Souls... the story of US. US was he and I, this guy whose picture fades away. Since my partner was extending his heart and energy in so many directions, there seemed so little left for me. And my heart began reaching out into the vast nothingness of space, towards the fading echo of this one love whose time in my life had changed my ongoing soul experience, for all time. And whose soul connect I deeply missed. Ok, so the new guy wasn't connecting, so my soul was still seeking to connect... somewhere. Just connect. I sometimes revert back to the last thing I had, that was good, when there's nothing good happening in the moment. That's called Flying Backwards. Oopps! I just hate that!

In time, I changed the title of that blog to A Tale of One Soul... the story of ME (though if you look at the address in your window, you will see remnants of the old). I felt it was disrespectful to my new partner to write a blog about myself and some other guy, even though there was stuff there that was seeping out of those tightly sealed corners of my soul. He had only been dead for what I considered to be a very short time, when I met the new guy. I wasn't done with it yet, as it turned out. I was still hurting... lamenting the loss. Oh, I wanted it to go away. I wanted the new guy to fill in the gap. He was so busy and had one focus, only. It wasn't WE... it wasn't even me. And it never would be. This, I knew. In the meantime, A Tale of One Soul would rip out whatever scene was streaming through my mind. This included stories about him, the faded one, because they were, after all, a part of my life.


I began sharing some of my own occasional artwork, online, though I am, by no means, any sort of bonafide artist. Perhaps I thought it would shut him up, lol... make my blog worthwhile. I had failed in filling in the gap, for him, where he had wanted me to, artistically... he had wanted me to be a proper potter's wife (no, we're not married) and even suggested that I read about the support system the old-timey potter's wives had going... the chores they had going, the ways they chipped in and assisted their potter husbands... they were in this for a way of life, a permanent way of supporting the family, it was assembly-line-like reproduction. I wanted to assist, but I wanted my own artistic expression... not to replicate his own. Add to that, I couldn't replicate his own, and he criticized me for that, too... not following instructions. This is one of my pieces, I call him Baby Pan. He finally got all shined up, but don't have any pics of him that way, to show the end result.


The more he criticized me, the more I turned to writing. It was the one place where I could express my emotions... where I could scream... and cry... and even share moments of Light. Lol, I even attempted to form yet another blog, where I would share nothing BUT good thoughts... but soon realized that I simply had a lot of healing to do, and that my writing was simply about that, finding healing for this damaged soul. I hardly ever wrote about anything enlightening, mostly it was just some pity party. Occasionally, something profound slipped out (well, a profound thought for my own mind and edification). This is my hummingbird, but it doesn't exist anymore. Well, it does, but it's now a picture inside a picture. This is done with colored pens and markers, and now resides inside a canopy of colorful pastels.

I formed online relationships. We swapped energy. People started adding me onto their blog lists. I started adding them, too. Then people started complaining about wanting to clean up their lists, and not hang onto friends they had met, in the beginning, out of false obligation. I started deleting lists, too. Mostly, I deleted blogs that never replied or visited. Then, I decided that I wanted to conserve certain energies, and didn't want people tracing my tracks from blog to blog. It was survival, energetically speaking. I was pulling back in energy that I had given out. I was hiding away, as best that I could, yet out there, all the same. I deleted all my blog listings, and hoped that those whose blogs I deleted would not be offended, if they noticed. I was still visiting, just not advertising my whereabouts. It's not like it was difficult to find me, after all. Besides, some of them didn't even have me listed, on theirs... and some, who did, didn't come visiting, at all. I even tried to stop visiting, but couldn't resist popping in from time to time. But, most things fade with time.

Then I noticed that I had a follower. What's a follower, I wanted to know. The description sounded flaky, like to show your popularity, or something lame like that... however, I clicked the follow button, to find out more, and soon began following all the blogs that I had once deleted from my blog list. Following was cool, because it sent each posting to your dashboard, so that you would know when the blogs you liked to read had made a posting, without having to hunt them down on a busy day... no more having to click onto each individual link on your blog page, to see if they had posted anything new.

It seemed as if the moment that I clicked the follow button, that people who had previously dropped by, regularly, had stopped dropping by, altogether. So, I decided that I would follow privately... perhaps I had offended someone. It feels a bit like stalking, as I am not sure they can tell if I am following them, only that others aren't supposed to be able to see who you are following, maybe? Because this felt so strange, I decided to stop following at all. Well, except for one blog that inspires me to think good thoughts and do good things. The others, I had become much too dependent on, I believe. Time, to let go... and let move on.... that, which is moving on, anyways.

I've nearly hit the delete button, on this blog, on more than one occasion. To be honest, those are the times when my walking is the hardest, when my path is not clear and straight, or when my heart is hurting the worst. It's also when I make those energy changes. I've edited my profile, to be sure, though not hugely. In the end, the energy is changing. I know I have a few more postings to go... things not yet said, before the energy will be clear for me. I don't know what those things are, that aren't yet said, just that I'm not there, yet.

My one long standing community, With Eyes Wide Open is seeing it's last days, as well. MSN is closing those places down. Supposedly my pages were migrated, but they didn't migrate them and probably never intended to. I've been trying to find some place to softly lay them down, those pages that were lovingly created, by he and I... but, it's looking like they will probably just bite the dust, too.

I love change... but, I fight it every step of the way. It's going to happen, anyway, I don't know why I always give it such a hard time.

There are pages, scattered across cyberland, that have been there since mine and his first spiritual connection/inception, that will bite the dust, as well. I mean, I have most of that stuff copied, on paper, but it doesn't seem as real. It birthed itself, online, and the energy is somehow stuck, there, too.

When I don't take care of things, they seem to take care of themselves. I wish I knew how to gently lay aside, instead of feeling, always, that things are being ripped from me.

Here, the future was so bright I had to wear shades... that's him... that's me... that was US.

Most things do fade with time.