Claiming My Duck Feather

A few weeks ago I shared that I was going to Sea School. Me? A boat Captain?

It wasn't something that I ever dreamed of. It just never entered into my brain.

My whole life has been centered on communications of some sort. I didn't just make that up... but, it adds up. And it's a fact.

Most of my life, I just went about my business, unaware of the stars and their language. It so happened, I had the opportunity to have "a chart" done. Twice, by two different individuals. These charts were done, probably, five years apart, or more... perhaps eight? Both of them were astonishingly "right on it". It seems that my coming into this lifetime has been, mostly, to learn how to communicate. Trust me, when I say, communication has been the most difficult thing that "I am still learning". It seems it never ends. To add to that, my recent position of Tour Guide has maximized this tool in my life. I've finally arrived! At least to a decent level?

I have learned to articulately relay absolute information, that is well received. Me, who used to be too shy to raise her hand in class? Me, who shied away from any spotlight attention? Amazingly enough, I learned a very important lesson that was a wonderful tool for me, more recently, back when I "aced" my Speech class, in college. That bit of information, that belied my cold hands, sweaty palms, and jello-like solar plexus, was the fact that anyone can "fake it till they make it". Though I was eaten up with nervous tension, during my speech, when I viewed the film that was made of me, I appeared to be more confident than any of the other ones that had given their speeches. There wasn't a sign of my nervous stomach, no sign of my sweaty palms, not even a sign of my nervousness, in my voice, which astonished me more than anything. There I was, 25 years ago or so, preparing for the day when I would become this tour guide. What a wonderful thing to have learned. I could be nervous, and no one had to know, but myself. I even used very good hand gestures, I was told, which comes quite naturally, to me, it seems.

I've looked back on the positions that I have filled, through the years. Starting out my adult life, as a Radio-Teletype Operator, in the U.S. Army. What memories! Changing the generator over, alone, in the dead of night, after reading Steven King's Salem's Lot. Dust in the face, cactus in the elbows... and yes, for some (not me) poison ivy on the butt! Running a rat rig certainly had to do with communications.

There were a few years as an in between, in a clerk-type position with the Social Security Administration. Again, the focus was communication. Then there were fifteen years doing major communication relay, as a Letter Carrier with the U.S. Postal Service. Yes, indeed, that dealt with communications, as well. I gave all that up to "travel" abroad. I seemed to be broadening my horizons, lengthening my scope, though I didn't really realize it, entirely, back then.

When I returned from abroad, the first place I landed was Transportation, on a military installation. I had it stuck in my brain that I was supposed to be about "communications", and could never quite figure out how "travel" and "transportation" were fitting nicely in. I kept trying to bend that horizon, to fit it into my supposed and accepted scheme of things. I still wasn't seeing the link. I forget the dates, but somewhere, in my charts, this communication thing comes to a peaceful place. Back when I read the charts, it was so far ahead it just drifted from my head, as if the possibility didn't even exist. It vaguely comes back to me, now. I think it's time to scrounge around and dig them out. Time to let the new stuff begin to sink in.

I hated my job at Transportation. I had the most difficult time bending to their will. It just went against my grain and tore me down. What I didn't know was that I was supposed to "travel on"... and away from that place. Instead, I stubbornly tried to fit myself into that scenario. Well, I did learn my lesson, in that one, too. And that lesson was this... my communication era was coming to an end. Now, I needed to take more control of my destiny, and know when it was time to move on... and do so! My spirit wanted to be gone from that place, but my human nature became bogged down in the dense egoic game. "I won't give up! I will become stronger! I will learn to bare the brunt of their mean and cruel game!" In the meantime, my back was nearly broken, my breath was nearly gone. Spiritually and nearly literally.

That Great Creator in the Sky, was just sitting back laughing at me. "You poor child, why don't you get up from there! You don't have to take this stuff! You have learned your lessons well, while they are still stuck in places that you should have moved beyond long ago!" Ya know, there's always this thing called "automatic pilot"... and when we seem to lose control, it steps in to take a firm and positive control. My spirit was crying "uncle!" ... the cord was severed that brought me back home.

Oh, the separation is always painful. We freak out at the experience of something new and unfamiliar, even if it seems less painful. Well, they weren't as smooth as satin, but they were smoother, all the same. I was still freaking out, because I was afraid to let go and fall into the abyss. Indeed, it felt as if I was free-falling, when for seven months I was without a job and only received two other interviews, before landing the job that I now have. What a cruel game! It wasn't really a game. I just didn't accept the rules. Relax! Take a deep breath! You don't have to suffer, you bring suffering on, yourself!

The reality is, I had been Blessed. I had been allowed to walk away from that miserable job with money in the pocket. Always, on time, things do come in. The Creator hears my prayers. The problem is ME. I won't let go of the things that keep me from moving on. I'm too afraid of the fall. So... the cord is cut for me, and the fall begins. "AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh!" all the way down! Then, BOOM! The fall stops.

Next stage. Riding along on a tour boat, enjoying the gentle hypnotic breeze. I can't help but think of my online buddy, Lee, here... who talks about "next scene".

Ok, so I'm still not putting the pieces together. I am thinking it's still about "communication"... only, on a grander scheme. When, actually, it's about the grand finale of my communication era... before I move on to greater things. Ok, so I learned to talk. Now, let's see if I can "navigate"... navigate my own course. Let's add, to that, "charting my own course"... charting the course that I intend to navigate... instead of having someone else chart my course, and call all the shots.

When the idea of becoming a Captain was first given to me, I thought it almost a joke. I couldn't fathom the idea, no pun intended. It seemed something that was out of my reach. In every way. Financially, for sure. But, the energy at work brought options to my plate, and I found myself being pushed forward, with an offering of which the likes I had never seen. Not in my life, at least, for it had been one of, mostly, struggle... even if I was the one causing such a struggle, in the spiritually ignorant way that I had sometimes lived.

Someone was going to pay for my schooling. Every red cent. Cool! Really cool. But, then is quickly became, "Oh, shit!"

Most everything I had done, beforehand, had been for myself. I never had to prove anything, to anyone, but myself. Till now. One of the really spectacular things, regarding all this, is that for the first time in my life (well, maybe not the first time, go read my story on The Little Red Shoes, found on the sidebar) I had been "picked out"... set upon the stage... "chosen"... and now I had to bare the light that was shining in my face. And I had to perform.

This was a hard one, folks. I've spent my entire life telling myself that I can do things, and struggling to prove that I could, to myself... now, I had to prove to someone else, who was backing me, and with strong confidence... that I could do this thing. The pressure became almost unbearable to withstand. I spent an entire day riding around in circles, not quite knowing what to do. I tried to visit friends, but couldn't seem to get there. I tried to call friends, but couldn't quite get in touch. My chest was nearly bursting, and the tears were beginning to flow.

What if I failed? What a fool I would become! I couldn't do this. I couldn't put myself in such a vulnerable position. And I was making the decision to back down. No can do, it just wasn't going to happen. It was more pressure than I cared to bare, fore the risk of failure was far too great.

Today, I remember The Little Red Shoes. In that story, which was very true, I had been picked out of a crowd, and asked to enter the stage. My fright and embarrassment kept me from receiving the gift that had been freely offered to me... and it would be till now, before another opportunity would be offered on such a grand scale. One that might change my life. I believe, whole-heartedly, that not having the courage to have accepted those little ballerina slippers altered my life. And I believe that if I refuse to accept this offer, that this will alter my life, as well. It's all about fears and over-coming them... a big extension of faith.

By accepting this offer, I have allowed, into my life, respect, from others... and accepted their confidence, in me, that I can perform the job. How many opportunities will I receive, through the remainder of my years, when someone will offer me something that alters the course of my life, for all time? ... well, at least till the next stage of my life steps in. There's always something, just when you think you've mastered it. Next step, move on. Or stay in place, the choice is always ours, or so it seems. This was something that was never going to happen, in that previous job scenario. No respect, and certainly never chosen. Not that I wanted to be chosen, but it seems to indicate an even higher level of respect being given, and I could use some of that, given my previous experience of "running with the pack". I consider that I was running with the pack when I didn't have the foresight to move on. If I refused this chance, I would be admitting defeat, and letting "life" (past experience)keep beating me down. Largely, I would be refusing the chance to Chart and Navigate my own course, for smooth sailing... instead of being like the wildly tossed raft, that I had always been, seemingly lost at sea, and with one hole fast leaking.

It came to my attention that there were others who didn't want to see me succeed. This added to my stress. For one thing, I still had to learn to drive that big old 65 ft. boat. Driving the boat has nothing to do with the required "sea time" that it takes to get your Masters License, sea time just means the time you've spent on the water, period... but, those who were behind me were confident that I could perform that task well. I practiced driving that boat, day after day. One Captain even pitched in and gave me some pointers. The Lead Captain, who had gently guided me to this point, said this, "No more going out with other Captains. They are confusing you. You need to "feel the boat"... you will figure it out for yourself." The very next day, with no one taking charge... just me, guiding my own course... I parked that boat! Beautiful, baby!

I had seen the duck feather early that morning. I just walked past it, though it was quite unusual for me to have done so. Most times, I will pick up a feather that finds it's way into my path. "Oh, it's just a silly duck feather, let it go, you don't have to pick up every feather you see," and I moved on. What I had tossed aside, was the fact that a large quantity of my spiritual messages come through nature, and most assuredly, through Winged Ones. When I parked that boat, successfully, on my way back down, the feather was still there... patiently awaiting my return. I snatched it up and marveled at it's beautiful color... and proudly accepted my very first duck feather... a reward, for myself, from having kept on keeping on, and being aware of the Creator's love and confidence in me, as the Creator has in all creatures and beings which that lovely and omnipotent energy has created.

Well, it's been difficult, getting to this place. Especially knowing that I have to do good, and not let other people down. It's not just about me, but really it is, because the spotlight is shining, and I have to make good. And knowing that I have to prove, to myself, that those who oppose me, have no power in my life.

I realize that I had started this thing that I sometimes do. I freak out and feel insecure and let it knaw at me. I tell other those fears... and I had started talking about how I had heard that others were not behind me, and not wishing me well. This only seemed to exacerbate my fears. I was, it would seem, unbeknownst to me, creating a bad reality, a trap for my own self. I had fallen into the negative energy and this only added to my already self-made fears. I certainly knew how to multiply, I was doing so quite well.

Today I found this bit, below, in my email. It's a "forecast" for today, that comes into my box. I thought I should share it here, it seems to appropro. And, right on it, since tomorrow I leave for exams and more sea school and more exams. The perfectly energy to cheer me on!

"You are the master of all things related to communication today. You can spin any situation the way you want to, because you should really have a way with words right now. Just say it like you see it.

What you think about is what you will draw into your life, dear one. You have the ability to be decisive now and to clearly understand what it is you want to achieve. Ignore the unkind intentions of others.

You may feel like a dynamo today, ready to take on anything in your path. But most things should go your way without a challenge. Be confident about your abilities."


It all adds up now. Why my communication trail had been slowly turning to travel... and now to navigation. Sometimes we just need to open our eyes and be open to the Universe, instead of trying to figure it out on our own... you can never fit a square peg into a round hole, not matter how hard you might try... at least, not without shaving the edges off, and then you've spoiled the mix, given an essential part of something... maybe even yourself...away.


I had recently had angered directed at me, on top of all the other things, from another who is struggling with their own Way. Today, I took a deep breath and let it roll right off of me, like water off a ducks back, and that is a pun that's intended :)



















When the idea of becoming a Captain was first presented to me, I said, "But I like being a tour guide." Their response? "Let it go... move on." It was like a voice from the void, ushering me on, "You've accomplished that. You can stay put, or you can accept forward movement, to even greater things." Ok, so it's not as big or great as I make it sound, but it's better pay, and I don't have to be under the thumb of the one who is still stuck in their "wielding anger" stage of life. I choose to move on. Thanks, Brian, I will forever be grateful!










I'm no longer hiding in fear, from nothing but myself.






I'm no longer running with the pack, with no direction in which to aim.














I'll soon be charting my own course.














There's beauty to behold, in yet undiscovered lands...


















In the reflection of each new day...



















There are calm waters and smooth sailing ahead.













I just felt it was very important to get this post out, before I leave for school, tomorrow... sorta like setting the path, before me, with positive thought.

These are all pics of the baby ducks that gave me so much joy, this past spring. I followed them around one morning when I had been up all night helping to fire the wood-fired pottery kiln. Yes, it's located at the canal, the kiln. Anyways, finally I have a reason to put their cute little selves online.

I find it amazing to compare my life's journey with the astrological chart that had been drawn up for me. It all seems to fit so nicely. I wonder what you would find if you analyzed your own journey, what you might find?


Peace and Love to you... and wishing you success in whatever you set your mind to!