Weird and Strange Things

Today was a topsy turvy day for me.
As I often do,
I began a posting,
only for it to
end up in draft mode,
hidden from the eyes of all.
Sometimes I just cannot share
all the things that I
want to express.
It's not because I can't, really...
but, to spare the emotions
of some who are close to me.
I end up stuffing things way down inside.


Today was a walk back in time. First, I began googling old names, visiting old online sites, where I had spent some time. And places where there were still writings hanging in cyberspace, written by my deceased husband... and I. I even ended up finding new sites, now inhabited by old friends of days gone by. It was really strange reading old postings written 7 years ago, when he is no longer here. That's the wonder of cyberspace... it just hangs there, in space, and you can still feel it, just the way it read and felt all those years ago. Only thing is, I am changed... and he is changed... transformed, to be exact. But, was comforting reading those exchanges... when things were fresh and new, way back when. On another note, however... it is almost eery, to realize that it will just hang there, till who knows when? It's keeping something alive... but seems, a bit, unnatural.

As I wondered into one of the old sites, I saw that it was very quiet there, hardly a word had been posted in such a very long time. I clicked onto the very last posting by Little Hawk... and he led me to a link in myspace, where he could supposedly be found. When I arrived, I found a very small picture, with very few words. In memory of Little Hawk. I was shocked beyond measure. This had been one of the folks that Tim and I had hung with, a bit, online. We had thought highly of him, he was always gentle and kind. He had shared his story with many. He had been a martial arts instructor and a jewelry artist. He was well versed on herbs and remedies. And he had spent his entire life searching for his soulmate. When he finally found her he had been elated to share of their love story, with one and all. He left his native New York and started a new life with his Songbird, out in California. She was a healing facilitator, and a singer... and recorded tonal sounds for healing processes. Together, they were Sanctuary.

It just seems so weird... that Tim and I would find one another in cyberland... and come together, and now he is gone. And they would come together, in cyberland, and now Little Hawk is gone. There is strangeness there... and sadness. And some Joy... knowing that they may be hanging out, together, in that other place, wherever that place is.

As I was working my way out of myspace, I wound up in my hotmail box. And there was an invitation from Whapio... another one from my past, but this one even more special. Whapio is a midwife, herbalist, and ceremonialist. She was by my side as I walked some very rugged trail. And we had worked on a little non-profit newspaper, together, The Web, way back when. There were many good memories associated with her, and I had not heard from her in years. When my husband had passed, that was the last time. I had reached out to her, because I knew her own husband and soulmate had passed on years before... and I had needed some coaching on how to cope. When I first saw her name in my email box, it confused me. Here I had just stepped out of cyberspace, walking back in time... and now her name jumps out at me, even further back in time. She was there in the beginning... of my conscious journey. And she was there when I knew Golden Sky Cougar and Little Feather. She was there when I had become Golden Feather. I had missed her so. I still have a beautiful letter that she once wrote to me, when I had thought about quiting something... she had encouraged me to hang in there, be strong. It took me a moment to come back to reality as I was processing her name.

Today has felt nearly like a dream... very surreal. And, of course, I wonder what it is all about. So often we come full circle... and I wonder what it is that I have come full circle with, today. Mostly, I needed the love that I felt from those old connections. And the security of knowing that they are still there... when my present and very real world sometimes seems disheartening. I needed the reminder of what I was all about before life got crazy on me. When Love and Light were things that I didn't let get very far behind me. And I felt very connected to the Earth. These days, I am having to light my own flame... and this little walk was just the thing to help me get it going.