Stupidness, Lies, Accusations... and Yelling.

I've been accused of yelling. That's right, yelling. I've been accused of attacking another, because I yell. I admit, I yell out of frustration. And I yell when I am not being listened to, heard, or cut off and talked over, before I can finish my thoughts and expressions, even if my voice is calm and focused, in the beginning. There are those who have the ability to attack and maligne others, so sublimely, without raising a vocal chord. Don't get me wrong, they have vocal cords and do use them, in an uproarious fashion, at their own discretion. Until I use my own, at my discretion. Suddenly the tables are turned, and I am the villain.

It's always been a major thing for me, to be understood. I can't stand dishonesty, in any form, shape or fashion. Or misrepresentation, of myself, by another... which, to me, is just another form of lying. If someone misrepresents me, to another, I take that as an assualt and attack on my character. And I will defend that character, though my communication skills with regards to how I defend that part of myself are quite poor.

I'm not really a hard person to understand. And if you wanna know how I feel about something, or why I did or said something, all you have to do is ask me. I am as open as they come, I hide nothing of who I am. I am the sort who feels that hiding and denying gets one nowhere fast. And that the only way to find resolve, with anything, is to be open and honest. But, why is it that I always find myself surrounded with those who cannot be honest? They say birds of a feather flock together. Am I not being honest? Or am I just on a learning stage, set up to learn how to walk away from dishonesty, and those who embody those sort of traits?

Perhaps I would not become so upset if those, in my life, would listen to my Heart... hear my reasoning... listen to my words, take them for the reality that they are... and believe them. Afterall, who better, than myself, can truly understand my Heart? Often, in relationships, people have to dig and dig to get someone to open up and express their emotions. Not so, with me. I'm easy. I lay it out on the table. This is who I am. This is how I feel. But, please, do not attempt to try and tell me how I feel... or where an emotion is sourcing from, because you don't know... and lies and accusations about who I am, and what I am feeling... whether communicated to myself, or spoken to another... are just not working for me.

It surrounds me, everywhere. In the work place, where some of my co-workers, to include my supervisor, are on some sort of huge ego trip, spilling out power and control, by the bucket loads, and lying and misrepresenting. I'm not simply talking about power struggles they have, with me... I'm talking about power struggles with many other of my co-workers, that they have. The atmosphere, there, is unbelievable. Other's who have been added to our working environment have noted the low degree of good morale in our office... so, it's not just me who sees and feels these things. And it's sad, really. Sad that the energy has to be this way. And sad that we remain, to experience this over and over, daily. You either have to be slick enough to fool the powers that be, enough to get on their good side, so that you are in the club(or they think you are)... or you have to just lay extremely low and follow through with the mass confusion of ideas and information that gets disseminated there... and end up getting nothing right, and risk looking like an idiot, because god knows that only these power hungry people have it right... or so they think... and hence the confusion carries over, day after day. And I'm basically, a strong person, who defends theirself, and doesn't accept stupidity, lies and denial as an answer. Can you imagine what happens to the weak ones who are totally powerless and can't, don't or won't defend themselves? It's not pretty... and I feel for them.

How do these things go on? How is it possible that people live this daily, in their lives? There are many and sundry reasons why people get caught up and remain in these sorts of energy whirlwinds.

I, for one, believe that everything we experience is a lesson/growth experience in our living. So.... then... what is the reason that I have remained, for so long, in such uproarious situations?

Maybe it is just so that I can say, "I don't want this anymore. I don't choose this anymore. And I am not going to live this anymore."

I no longer want to give my power over to another, so that I am able to be thrown off center.

I no longer want to walk on egg shells. I no longer want to struggle with the emotions of seeking and needing approval. I want to exist in Peace. I want to BE. I want to be in the energy of acceptance, not struggle.

I no longer want to yell. I no longer want to experience the need to yell.

I really don't want this anymore.