After High School Came New Experiences & A New Kinda Love

Well, I made it through high school... and into college. I say 'into'... because, if you've read any of my previous posts, you might remember that I didn't stay there long. I was becoming of age, and more freely able to protest about what was not me, that had been foisted upon me, by my father, in the ways of freedom vs non-freedom, in who I was, who I was not... who I was going to become... and well as who I was not going to become. I must say, while we are at this point... and I believe I may have pointed this out in my very first post, in this blog, entitled, In The Beginning... my protestations led to many wrong paths, so fast was I running in the opposite direction, from the path that had been pointed out to me, by those who had gone before me, in the way of direct and immediate family. Yes, I would travel many roads, in error... then again, how can anything be considered an error, if it was something which needed to be learned, and I actually grew from it??? It would have been a much easier Path, had I been given certain freedoms, early on... instead of being so saddled with non-allowance and the few choices to go along with it, that would be 'supported' by those who loved me the most.

The very first vocation that I felt led towards, was that of a Social Worker. I had so much compassion and empathy for those that life had been unkind towards. I grew up in the middle of de-segregation, in the somewhat deep South, and had been raised to see the world through racial eyes. I never saw the world through those eyes, however, they were not my own and never would be... and with those eyes that the Creator has given to me, I watched the world go crazy, in the midst, as well as aftermath, of the murders of those who saw the world through the same eyes, as I... the deaths of John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, as well as Robert Kennedy. I felt the pain of the loss, and remember the songs of the day, that echoed that same deeply felt sadness, from such a colossal blow to the human senses. I didn't understand the world. I didn't understand what was being taught to me, by those I trusted the most. I learned to not trust anything that was passed down to me... rather, had to learn the reason for everything, on my own. I can thank the Heaven's, however, for, at least, having been brought up with a semblance of Spiritual Essence, in the name of 'religion', however dim it's beginnings may have been. This small dim Light is the only thing that kept one foot in front of the other, walking towards that place where Faith takes root, and Dreams become Reality, if only we could hold onto the Faith and the Dream. I believed in 'something'... and that's better than nothing! I can thank my roots for that, though my beliefs would change, drastically, from what I had learned, in my up-bringing. I have no excuse for what I had been raised up in, other than to say that many follow in the same footprints of those who went before them, never questioning a thing. I don't know why I was so stubborn, but I'm glad that I was stubborn enough to not buy into what did not seem right.

I was told, straight out, there was no way I was gonna be sent to college to undertake the studies that might end me up as a social worker! The next thing I thought I might wanna be was a Physical Therapist. Nope! Not gonna get to study that, either. I also longed to study Journalism. I always loved to write, though my first tries were really at poetry. Nope, can't do that, either! Afterall, I had been well trained, in high school, for the duties of being a secretary, and that's all a woman needed to know! ... because, of course, I was told, I would grow up to marry and have children, and then I would be staying at home, to raise the children. I really don't know where that thought came from, because my own mom had worked, while I was growing up, from the time I was about 2 years old. She pulled my father back to her home town, taking him away from the sure poverty of being a share-cropper, when the local 'bomb' plant began operations during the cold war. I had one choice: (1) Secretary! Well, ok, couldn't be all bad, especially since my father was willing to pay the tuition for me to live in a dorm, in a town at least an hour away from home. Wow! Now, this sounded exciting! I might be able to breathe. I just may be able to express a little of my own true self, living on my own, far, far from home. Hee Hee Hee... I could just imagine the freedoms! We took a trip up the small college and took a tour of the dorm. That's when all my dreams crashed of ever being free from the bondage that I felt I was in. It took exactly 1 split second for my father to make a decision that I was, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, going to be attending that school, when he saw a male figure walking into a dorm room! What??? Guys could walk into and out of the dorm rooms? There was no one sitting guard, allowing or blocking passage into and out of the rooms, where girls lived, in a time when girls were not longer forced to wear chastity belts??? Well, certainly I would not be allowed to study there, under those conditions! Dreams crashed! What next? The next thing was a brand- spanking- new Nursing Program that was being introduced at the local branch of our state University. Why yes, I was allowed to study nursing. As mentioned, in previous posts, this did not work out. I hadn't the stomach to bare dissecting small animals... nor was I particularly astute at detecting a pulse on a human being. Besides all that, high school was over, I was getting older, and my Wings were wanting to Fly. I might have mentioned previously, as well, that I was not allowed to have a job, the whole time I was in high school. When I was finally able to hold a job, I was still limited, as to what I was allowed to do. No way was I gonna be allowed to work as a waitress! Nice girls don't take jobs like that... never mind that my own sister was a waitress! I'm sure it had more to do with my dad's own past history, than any reality of who a waitress really is. I'm sure he has many memories of flirtations with many waitresses. It is true, when one goes out into the world, we become suseptible to the realities of life, that we can no longer be protected from. I am quite sure that he was only trying to protect me; however, in all of his over-protectedness, he only succeeded in pushing me further away from the ways that I had been taught, and out into that wild world that he had tried, so unsucessfully, to protect me from. Such is life.

Because of limitations and lack of acceptance for 'who I was' and what my dreams were, regarding life and my future, you might guess, I took the school of hard knocks! I don't blame that on anybody but myself. At least I had a mind of my own, even if it was confused! Would I make different choices, if I had the chance to do it all over again??? Heck yeah! I'm not one of those who professes they "would not change a thing." I would have changed many things, because many of my choices were made from lack of self-esteem and total lack of acknowledgement, in who I truly was. I became, somewhat, like a piece of putty... willing to change/form/shape into whatever/whomever someone might want/need/desire, in order to meet their acceptance/needs. So began the long-ass journey!

But, before we head straight into the total chaos, in later posts, let me share the story of the next 'important love' who was to come along, after 'first love.' He would effect me sooo strongly, that I would enter into my 1st and 2nd marriages, still very much in love with him... or, who really knows, perhaps under the 'illusion of love.' Nevertheless, he became my idea of what a perfect love was supposed to embody.

His name was Tony. He was tall, had a boyish grin, blue eyes, curly hair, and was ohhh sooo charming. When I met him, he was attending MP school at the military installation across the river. He was from South Dakota, a long ways from home, and I'd never met anyone like him. You might laugh when I say I met him in a little joint called Kittens Korner. I was 18 or possibly 19, I just remember I was enrolled in the nursing school I mentioned, earlier, and finally, at long last, also working a real job at a local department store. It was myself, along with two others, from my work place, that headed out to the bar across the river, on that fateful night. If I recall, correctly, we were jamming to the tunes of Cortez Grear, that night... an entertainer who performed along the East Coast, from what I recall, tunes that might be considered Beach Music. I just know it was always good fun when Cortez was entertaining, if you liked to listen to good music and dance.

That night, I remember that Tony and Jay, his friend, had approached our table of three. They asked us to dance. Upon returning to our table, from dancing, I recall, vividly, that Tony had pulled my chair out for me. I don't believe that I had ever remembered that having happened before, with any other guy. Of course, not too many opportunities had presented themselves, either. I was impressed; however, for whatever mal-adjusted reason, I chose to not sit in the chair that he had pulled out. Instead, I pulled out another chair and sat there. I think part of me was not quite sure that he had pulled the chair out, for me. I mean, I was perfectly capable of pulling my own chair out. I always had, before, did he think that, being a woman, I wasn't capable of such a thing??? Seems I recall, in later discussing the event, that he had been somewhat embarrassed and humiliated by my lack of proper response to his sweet chivalry. It was a moment that I could not take back, but he forgave me, still. He was a gentleman, and perhaps truly the first that I had encountered. Yes, he was like none other that I had known. And I? I was a southern girl, charmed by his ways. His thoughtfulness, his kindness.


... to be continued...