I can't seem to finish this blog. The Tale of One Soul that I had originally begun. You wouldn't believe how many bits I have hidden in draft. I seem to no longer be able to say what I want to say... to say what I first started out to say. To tell the stories, from beginning to end. The stories of my life.
I seem to not be able to write from my Heart, anymore, which always came so easily, for me, before.
I'm not sure if it's because I don't have as much need to say the things I wanted to say... or if it's just harder to say the things which I've not yet said. In any case, I've said quite a lot, these past 4 years. It's also quite possible that I always did most of my writing in solitude. These days, I have very little privacy, given my living circumstances. I soooo crave privacy. And I feel terribly drained. Emotionally... physically.
I'm tired. I am worried about my health, which is something I never worried about before. And it worries me that I am worried. That's not like me, either. All these little things that seem to be going haywire. At least I imagine that they are. I don't have health care, so I haven't a clue what is wrong with me. I just try and remedy the symptoms, as I can. And I'm not a hypochondriac. At least I've never been, before. Is that something which one might develop later, or something? I mean, it's things like I think I'm still not drinking enough water. And that can reek havoc all over the place. At least I imagine that it can... and then my mind starts wandering.
I'm thinking about starting an entirely new blog. But I've tried that before, and couldn't seem to get it going, in my head. But I'm thinking on it. Life has changed, in the last year. But it feels as though I'm just standing in a clearing, with no direction in which to go. Waiting...
4 comments:
"it feels as though I'm just standing in a clearing, with no direction in which to go. Waiting..."
I SO "get" that. I don't know, but I'm guessing it's the same for most or all of us. These are weird times for sure. So much stress coming from every which direction is bound to get us feeling ill. I know I feel it. I keep blaming it on getting older, but I know it's all the stress. Too much...
I am starting to see some people around me who, till lately, have been real go-getters in life... And, these days, I get the impression that they'd just really like to get in the car and drive until the gas runs out..., and then walk into the woods and take up the life of a hermit... And, all I can say is "Sign me up." These times are changing people. Let's just hope something positive comes out of it all.
I keep deleting blogs and staring new ones and deleting and re-opening... I don't know. It's curious though that when I make my blog private so that no one can see it, all of a sudden I don't want to write anymore... Which tells me that it's as much as about connecting for me as anything. But I am sort'a starting to feel over-media-ized by it all, and, as such, I too share your sentiment "I'm tired".
I wish I had a better comment than this. And you can delete it if you want. No big. But, hopefully it's better than nothing to know you're not alone in how you're feeling.
Anywho, blessings to you, now and always. Really. You're a nice person and you write really well.
Feel better. :)
Wow... that's the most I've ever heard you say, in a comment, lol. Indeed, the times they are a changin'. No, I'm not gonna delete your comment... why would I do that. Sometimes I think I may just lose it... but if I haven't lost it yet, why lose it now. Things have been worse.
I could say a lot but, mostly, I just wanna get in the car and drive, like you said. And yeah, become a hermit or something. What's it all about, anyways. Most of our living is senseless... and selfish... considering the state of the world, and others around us. And yet we continue to try and measure up to some kind of good for nothing standard. All the facades and false pretenses. It makes me sick, for real. It's just crazy.
I could tell you of the misfortune that seems to be happening with some of my family members, and I have nothing to complain about. A sister dealing with cancer, a nephew, more like a brother and a best friend, who believes he is on the slippery down hill slide of his 15 year journey with AIDS. Another nephew, who is, like myself, having to live with family, because his own family fell apart and his child support won't allow him to live on his own. A niece who is struggling to keep her head above water, having lost her nursing career, and nearly her house. A mother, whom I watch, daily, short of breath, and every part of her body aching, go about her tasks, as she is supposed to... and creating more, with her time, than I could ever begin to. And I have the nerve to complain.
Since I got my car paid off, finally, I will probably take that extra money and, instead of stepping up the payments, on my dental bill, try to buy some health insurance. I'm depressed, I'm tired. When I lay down at night, it feels as though my throat is closing up, and I have difficulty breathing, which is stressful, in and of itself... and I could add more to that list.
Yeah... I'm tired.
I think it really is about connecting, Bill. In part. The need to connect... the need to express... the need to be understood... the need to feel human... to need for warmth.
Best of luck to you...
Sarah,
Its all movement... seasons...
I havent had much to say for a while...but today out of the blue...something turned on in my head... hope it wasnt a stroke lol...and Im back to blogging...
I think you're wise to wait... to allow life to speak to you and through you...there's no rules...
Look after you.. get a check up if you're worried...it might save you money later on... But more than the medical stuff... be kind to yourself... allow space for your life to speak to you...whatever it is that it wants you to hear...
Thats my 2 cents ;)
Lots of love dear friend,
Thank you for your radiant presence in this world,
M
Maithri, indeed it is about movement... change... and the seasons of our life. Even the beautiful flowers much take a rest, in order to replenish themselves. From time to time I think of writing, here... but then seems something else is always happening...
Health... seems acid reflux can mimic a lot of things... and that is what has effected my breathing... but, that plays right along with stress... which can take one's breath... in this case, produce acid... which, in turn, somehow takes my breath.
I plan to make this my summer of living... again... coming back to life... that should help with the stress.
Maithri, you are my brother... and I love you... just so you know!
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