Depression

Someone in my personal life has just informed me that they read my blog... and that all they ever see is stuff that reflects a very depressed soul... and why don't I ever write about anything uplifting?

Perhaps because there is nothing, in my life, that is uplifting to write about, at this time. They say that all I want to do is wallow in my sadness.

It hurts to know that they cannot even recognize that this blog is here so that I might find a way to work my way back to happiness, through discovery of blocked emotions, and those discoveries coming through my own writing... and the feeling of not being alone, when others can relate. It feels very much like a picture that has been thrown on the floor and shattered into a million pieces... and then trying to put the broken glass back together again... and maybe some of the pieces are missing. And maybe I don't even want to create the same picture again, but something more, and even better. It takes time. And patience. And more time. And support. We go to quench our thirst, where water can be found... we go to feed our soul, where nurturance can be found... we find nurturance, often, through our ownselves. But I never turn down a show of love, from any other. It is our nature to soak up love. At least it is mine.

And these comments from a person who has told me, of their ownself, that they used to be happy to jump out of bed in the morning, to greet each new day... but, that they had somewhow lost that happiness. I tried to cheer them on, during those days of that admission. They had lost that happiness before I ever came into their lives, so I could not have been the blame. I remember the comment well, and the time frame from which those words came.

Now those words have been reversed, to reflect that they ARE happy to jump out of bed every morning... and that if they ever were not, it was because of the unhappiness that my own depression brought into their life.

I realize I am depressed. I am trying to find my way back to the top. I don't blame any other for where my emotions are. It's always my choice to stay or go... to work things through, or let things go. I don't blame anyone but me for where I am today.

But I do mind if another makes judgements against me, based on my life's lessons... and the mistakes that I have made, over time. Which would lead me to the So Angry posting... but, it is not time to finish that post yet. Maybe just to say that I am angry is enough.